The Tudors: Fool

Previously on The Tudors: Brandon was sent north to needlessly slaughter a bunch of people, and started losing his mind a bit as a result. Henry’s joy at finally having a son was cut short when Jane died a few days after the birth.

In the chapel, Henry approaches Jane’s tomb, kneels beside it, and tells her he’ll be with her someday. And he was—they’re both buried at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor, though I think they’re under the floor of the altar, not in tombs, but it’s been a few years since I visited, so I may be misremembering.

Meat market! Butchers hack apart dead animals and hang the carcasses up for buyers to peruse. For no reason at all (seriously, someone of this guy’s stature would have had no reason to be wandering around this part of town), an expensively dressed gentleman comes through and makes his way down a narrow side street, where he finds his way blocked by a peasant with a laden cart. He gets snippy with the peasant, who suddenly gets a bit scary and identifies the gentleman as Robert Packington, Member of Parliament and friend of Cromwell’s. Packington, a little nervously, asks the guy to step aside, because he’s in a hurry, so the peasant grabs a pistol out of his cart, shoots Packington right in the head (and leaves a wound that’s way too neat for a point-blank shot with a weapon from that time), and takes off through the market, still waving the gun. Uh, ok, so people are just killing people for being friends with Cromwell now? Come on, the guy wasn’t that hated. Maybe the peasant was just pissed about Packington’s expense reports or something.

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The Tudors: Merry Christmas!

Previously on The Tudors: The whole north of England got pissed off and rebelled against the dissolution of the monasteries, and Henry had to give in to their requests (on paper, at least).

It’s Christmastime in London, where the snow is falling prettily and Henry and Jane are attending a candlelight mass with Mary and the rest of the court while a choir sings and walks in cross formation down the aisle of the chapel royal. Rich growls to Cromwell that it’s going to be pretty hard to banish Catholic ritual throughout the kingdom when it’s being practiced right at court. Oh, please, even the Protestants liked a Christmas carol now and then (well, except for the Puritans, but then, they weren’t really into fun or color, were they?) Aske, who’s come down for the holidays at Henry’s invitation, asks Jane’s brother Edward when he’ll be meeting with the king. Soon, says Edward. In the meantime, Henry wants Aske to write up a detailed account of everything he did during the rebellion and the reasons for it. Uh oh, that sounds like the type of document that could really get used against you someday, Aske. Judging by the look on his face, he agrees with me. Jane turns and catches his eye, smiling and nodding a greeting, which he returns.

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The Tudors: Northern Exposure

Previously on The Tudors: Henry married Jane Seymour, who persuaded him to forgive Mary. He did so, but only after she signed a document acknowledging her mother’s marriage to Henry as unlawful. Meanwhile, up north, Robert Aske and a few other Catholics got the common people whipped into a frenzy over the dissolution of the monastaries and started their very own rebellion pilgrimage.

At Whitehall, Rich catches up with Cromwell and asks what the latest news is. Both good and bad. The rebels in Linconlnshire dispersed after being promised a royal pardon (and a royal ass-kicking at the hands of the king’s army if they stuck around), but in Yorkshire it’s a different matter. The rebels have taken the city of York and there’re rumors they plan to march south.

We hurry north ourselves to see what’s up. The rebels are indeed on the move, and they’re now followed by a large gang of women—wives and hangers-on—just like a real army. Meanwhile, Lord Darcy, the Warden of the East Marches, who’s in charge of Pontefract Castle, is writing to the king, begging for more soldiers and arms, as he’s certain he won’t be able to hold the castle against the approaching rebel force, even though he’s got his own garrison there, prepping for battle. He urges Henry to negotiate with the rebels. Yeah, I’m sure that suggestion will go over well.

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The Tudors: Peace and War

And we’re back with season 3 of The Tudors. As you’ll no doubt recall, season 2 ended with Anne Boleyn and most of her family and friends either beheaded or banished. Also gone from the show is the original Jane—for some reason, Anita Briem was replaced by Annabelle Wallis for this season. I hope you weren’t too attached to her. Since they’re both sort of blandly pretty blondes, I didn’t really notice the difference, to be honest. Briem must have been pissed to be let go right before the season that features her character so prominently, though.

Not much change to the credits, other than the banishment of all characters Boleyn (except for one quick glance of Anne at the very end). There are a few shots of body-strewn battlefields, so it looks like we’ll be seeing the Pilgrimage of Grace. Goody!

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The Tudors: Love For Sale

Previously on The Tudors: Katherine died and Anne got pregnant again, which I’m sure will end quite happily for her, right? Right? Also, Henry met the lovely blonde Jane Seymour and invited her to court and Cromwell started busting up monasteries in a big way.

Jane’s made it to court and is being escorted through that great hall where everyone hangs out by a young man, presumably her brother, Edward. He leads her to the door of Anne’s rooms and she goes in. One of the other ladies looks her up and down and snottily informs her that Anne’s on her way and Jane’s not to say a word until she’s given leave. What a friendly workplace!

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The Tudors: Golden World

Previously on The Tudors: Anne got more paranoid about Henry having affairs, and became convinced that she can’t give Henry a son as long as Katherine and Mary are alive. Henry started to get tired of Anne’s jealousy. Cromwell started spreading the good word on the Reformation.

We start off with Anne taking a nice ride through the woods, where she comes across Wyatt at the head of a group of strange-looking, cloaked figures. He offers her an apple, which she waves away, smiling pleasantly, and the figures part, bowing to her, revealing another figure at the far end of the path they’ve created. The other figure, which has long, gray hair, stands with its back to Anne. When she reaches it, it turns, and it’s an old woman, in a white gown, with a ruff and a cross around her neck. Anne starts to look around, disconcerted, and finds her father. He takes her hand and leads her a little ways away. She turns again and she’s alone, but then the figures reappear and advance on her and lock her in a sort of iron maiden-looking thing and put it on a raft, which is dragged down the river by early Celts, or something. Definitely not people dressed like Anne’s contemporaries. Mary’s face suddenly fills Anne’s limited field of vision, and then the raft is set on fire as Anne screams.

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The Tudors: Reap What You Sow

Previously on the Tudors: Fisher and More paid the ultimate price for their convictions; Anne loses her all-important baby and starts to really panic, knowing full well that Henry could easily send her the way of Katherine.

Roma. Fully dressed in pope hat and richly embroidered robes, the Pope emerges onto a balcony overlooking a very crowded St. Peter’s Square. After a brief prayer, he offers the Catholics of England his support and sympathy over the outrageous martyrdoms of More and Fisher. For those who missed the last episode, we get to rewatch some of More’s execution, followed by shots of angry crowds gathering at the palace’s gates while mobs storm and trash Catholic churches.

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The Tudors: All or Nothing

Previously on The Tudors: Anne found herself pregnant again and offered Henry her own cousin as a girlfriend. More was thrown in jail for refusing to acknowledge Henry as head of the church.

Henry’s reading and wearing what appears to be pirate fashion by Errol Flynn when Cromwell enters and announces Cranmer. Cranmer comes in and informs Henry that they’ve had a lot of success in convincing people to accept Anne as queen and Henry as head of the church, probably because they were threatened with death and dismemberment if they didn’t agree. He doesn’t say that last part, but you know it’s true. Fisher and More are still holdouts, but Cranmer and Cromwell think they can get them to at least agree to some of it. Henry won’t hear it—the guys need to accept all or nothing. Cranmer bows and withdraws, and Cromwell takes the opportunity to try to hand over a letter from Dame Alice, More’s wife, who begs for leniency in view of her husband’s many years of service. Henry doesn’t care, of course, and rants that More, after promising to live a quiet life, continued to write about the king’s divorce and even visited Katherine. The horror!

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The Tudors: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage…

Previously on The Tudors: The clergy acknowledged Henry as head of the church; More resigned as chancellor as a result. The world’s most inept assassin kept trying and failing to kill Anne Boleyn, at the behest of the pope and the emperor. Anne and Henry travel to France and have sex, presumably getting Anne pregnant.

Things start off rough in a courtyard where chickens, assorted livestock, and rude minor nobility mill about. Two men in black velvet, named as the Savilles, start talking shit to a man they call Pennington, who’s quick to correct that that’s Sir William Pennington, to them. Pennington asks after their master, Boleyn, and that’s Lord Rochford to you, Pennington. The Saville who speaks asks after Pennington’s master, Brandon. Saville asks if Brandon continues to spread vicious rumors about Anne at court, and if he does, he must be completely suicidal. Just how long does Charles expect Henry’s patience to last? He’s already banished him from court once for that. Pennington stupidly says that Brandon doesn’t want anything to do with the elevation of “the king’s whore” and the two Savilles draw their swords at the insult. Pennington draws his own sword and they all start tussling. Man, the Savilles suck. It’s two against one in their favor and Pennington still manages to kick their asses and escape, but not before trashing what looks like a random marketplace set u pin the courtyard. As he flees into the palace, some random guy hilariously yells after him that he’d better pay up for the damage.

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The Tudors: Paris, Je T’Aime

Previously on The Tudors: Henry was named Head of the Church of England and kicked Katherine out of the palace. The pope essentially put out a hit on Anne which looks like it might actually be going forward. More and Bishop Fisher were nearly poisoned to death, at Boleyn’s order.

The camera pushes in on a man playing cards. We don’t see his face. He sets out a queen marked with an A and slashes it in half. Subtle, faceless guy.

In parliament, Fisher is urging his fellow clergymen not to give in and answer to any earthly power, because their power has been ordained by God. He adds that the clergy should be free from the threat of assassination as they uphold the sanctity of the church. Boleyn, George, and Cromwell all look uncomfortable, in their places out in the audience. Boleyn mutters to his son that Henry can’t continue to allow this sort of seditious talk.

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