Game of Thrones: Things Get Ugly

Previously on Game of Thrones: Ned confronted Cersei about her twincestuous ways and then ran about being suicidally stupid, putting his faith into people like Petyr, who ended up betraying him. Maybe. I feel like you can never tell with this show. In other news of dumbassary, the attempt on Daenerys’s life failed and just made Khal Drogo decide to invade Westros after all, and King Robert died from drunk hunting, putting Joffrey on the throne. Joy.

Arya’s having a fencing lesson, blithely unaware of the very real fighting going on a few floors below her. So I guess we’re staring immediately where we left off. Sansa and Septa are walking the halls, wondering where Arya is, when Septa hears the unmistakable sounds of battle and sends Sansa right back to her rooms. Sansa runs off, and Septa is almost immediately confronted by a bunch of guards with bloodied swords. In her lesson, Arya loses, and she’s a terribly sore loser.

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Camelot: Fallout

Previously on Camelot: Morgan took Igraine’s place in Camelot just long enough to tell Leontes his wife slept with Arthur, and to have some sexy time with Merlin, who, amazingly, didn’t realize he was being tricked. Finally, the real Igraine escaped from her prison at Magical Manse and ran back to Camelot, where she came face-to-face with…herself.

We start the show right where we left off. Igraine, naturally, freaks out considerably when she sees her exact double staring at her calmly, and she wonders if she’s going crazy. Now, Igraine, you know that magic exists in this world, so you didn’t think for a second that this might be some sort of trickery? I guess not, because she asks Morgraine what she is, and Morgraine tells her she’s Igraine’s damaged, dirty soul made manifest. Igraine freaks out some more and runs out of the room. A few minutes later, Morgan shifts back to her true form, grabs a horse, and rides back toward Magical Manse. And not a single person notes her presence in Camelot, or the fact that she’s making off with one of their horses. Once again, security in this place sucks.

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Game of Thrones: Win or Die

Previously on Game of Thrones: Ned got his Hand job back, and finally figured out that Cersei’s been sleeping with her brother. Tyrion won his freedom through trial by combat, but it’s probably not enough to prevent an all-out war between the Starks and Lannisters. Viserys finally got his crown—molten, and poured over his head. I don’t think he’ll be too missed.

In a magnificent encampment somewhere, Lannister Senior, played by Charles Dance, aka Lord Stockbridge, is gutting and skinning a deer while Jaime reads aloud the order for Senior to return to court and answer for Clegane’s crimes. Senior tells Jaime he was stupid to attack Ned, and even stupider to leave Ned alive. He does, however, give Jaime 30,000 men to go attack Cate and free Tyrion. So, hang on a minute, they don’t know that Tyrion’s already been freed? Communcation in this world is confusing to me: Robb Stark knew about the attack on his father, like, a day after it happened, but the Lannisters still haven’t received any kind of raven or whatever telling them that Tyrion’s on his way home? It seems like the first thing Tyrion would do. This seems really inconsistent to me.

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The Borgias: New Beginnings

Previously on The Borgias: King Charles of France slaughtered his way across Italy, and nobody, particularly not Juan, was able to stop him. Except Lucrezia, who brokered a deal on the fly that would allow Charles to make a bloodless entry into Rome. I’m expecting her to become fully awesome in season 2.

The French pack up and get on the road to Rome. Della Rovere immediately tells Charles he should demand a convocation of the College of Cardinals as soon as they arrive, so they can get on with deposing Alexander. He says this right in front of Giulia and Lucrezia too, which seems unwise, since he’s just witnessed how good these ladies are at wheeling and dealing. Giulia coolly points out that there probably won’t be too many cardinals hanging around in Rome when they get there.

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Camelot: The Hunt

Previously on Camelot: Morgan found out that everyone at Camelot confides in Igraine, so she shape shifted, took her prisoner at Magical Manse, and took her place in Camelot.

We start off tonight with some gratuitous nudity. At Camelot, Morgraine luxuriates in her bath, lovingly sponging her breasts, while at Magical Manse, the real Igraine is more roughly rubbed down by Sybil, who refuses to tell her why they’re keeping her prisoner. Morgraine dresses herself in her extremely luxuriously appointed room. Seriously—what’s up with that place? Isn’t Camelot still a roofless wreck? Where’d the big canopy bed and all the rich drapes and things come from? She practices saying “good morning” in the mirror for a while, then Merlin pokes his head in with breakfast.

Magical Manse. Vivien asks Sybil if she should wake Morgan. Hang on—wasn’t she in on the little ritual they did last week when Morgan shape shifted into Igraine? Did that happen later? Why was Vivien suddenly kept on the outside?

Sybil asks Vivien how loyal she is to Morgan, and Vivien promises she’s totally loyal, Team Morgan all the way! So Sybil tells her Morgan’s at Camelot.

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Game of Thrones: Bloody Hell

Previously on Game of Thrones: Ned and the others arrived in King’s Landing and discovered that the place is a hotbed of lies and spies (I know, I was shocked too!). Up on The Wall, Jon took a pudgy new recruit under his wing, and in Dothrakiland Daenerys finally gave her brother the bitch slap he’s been begging for.

Ned finally makes his way to his own tournament, where dead Hugh is being cleaned up and stitched up for burial. Ned observes that young Hugh was wearing brand new armor, and he wonders how a kid who was just a squire until recently could afford new armor. Like me, he thinks this death is mighty suspicious. He chats a bit with Ser Barrister, who tells him Robert wants to join the joust.

Ned next goes to the king’s tent, where that poor young Lannister lad’s trying to squeeze fat Robert into armor that just won’t fit. Robert barks at the kid to go find the breastplate stretcher, which doesn’t exist, but the kid scuttles off anyway, probably happy for an excuse to leave. Ned and the king tease each other a bit, and then Ned tells him not to joust, because everyone would just let him win. Well, maybe this would be a good way to avoid more bloodshed, then. Robert puts up a bit of a fight but ultimately agrees not to ride.

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The Borgias: War is Hell

Previously on The Borgias: The French rolled in and totally trashed Lucca, which made the rest of Italy basically wet itself. Giulia paid a visit to Lucrezia and found out dear Lu is pregnant, and the kid’s not Sforza’s.

In the middle of the night, Giulia steals out to the stables, where she gently wakes Paolo. She asks if he’s “the one” and he readily admits to it. She tells him he’s not to say the same to anyone else, or she’ll see him hanged. He understands. Giulia orders him to prepare two horses for the ladies, so they can leave at dawn.

Alexander’s getting dressed and telling Cesare that he had a nightmare that everyone had abandoned them, and he found himself dressed as a peasant as the French army swarmed through Rome. He tells Cesare to summon the Spanish ambassador, because he and Alexander need to have a talk.

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Camelot: Waiting, Wishing, Watching

Previously on Camelot: Morgan hated her stepmom and dabbled in shape-shifting magic, while also quietly gathering supporters to her cause and scheming to take the throne.

Morgan floats at the bottom of her tub for a bit, looking briefly like Igraine again. As she gets up and starts to towel off, we see someone—a young man—observing her through a crack in the door. He doesn’t get any full-frontal action, but let’s just say her bottom could give Pippa Middleton’s a run for its money. He clearly, uh, appreciates what he’s seeing. A lot. Morgan gives some instructions to Vivien, then disappears from the young man’s line of sight. A moment later, she’s beside him, a knife to his throat, asking pleasantly if he’s enjoying the view. He sinks to his knees and tells her he loves her. He swears he’ll do anything for her. She tells him to follow her and takes him into the hall to introduce him to Sybil. His name’s Harwell, I think. He looks mighty uncomfortable to be talking to the nun. Morgan tells Sybil to get the man prepared and sends him away before confirming that everything is ready for Arthur’s impending visit. She orders Vivien to double salt the meat and make sure the ale’s strong, because she wants the boys thirsty and drunk.

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Game of Thrones: Bastards, Cripples, and Broken Things

Previously on Game of Thrones: Daenerys started flexing her queenly muscles and found out she was pregnant; Stark and the court arrived back at King’s Landing, where Ned doesn’t seem to be fitting in all that well; Jon settled in up on The Wall and started training the other men.

A raven flies into the keep of Winterfell, where Bran’s standing, practicing with his bow. So we know this is a dream already. He follows the crow as it flies into a gatehouse, and when it looks at him we see it has three eyes. Creepy!

Bran wakes in bed, accompanied by his direwolf and the old lady with the scary stories. Theon, a ward of the house (to ensure his own family’s good behavior), comes in and tells Bran they have a visitor. Bran doesn’t want to see anyone, but he has no choice. Theon calls in some hulking man named Odo and has him carry Bran down to the great hall.

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The Borgias: Apocalypse Now

Previously on The Borgias: Della Rovere went to France and asked King Charles to invade Italy. Charles agreed, as long as he got to conduct the fighting his way. Lucrezia’s affair with Paulo continued, while Cesare’s affair with Ursula fizzled. Jofre got married to a woman who started sleeping with his brother, Juan.

The French are packing up their cannons and getting ready to invade Italy. A French commander asks della Rovere what the Italian words for cannonfire, recoil, and gunpowder are. DR says there are no such words that he knows of. Frenchie seems glad to hear it.

Meanwhile, down south, Juan and Sancia are in bed together. Even though they’re having a pretty enthusiastic time of it, Sancia pauses to glance out the window at her little husband, who’s playing with the doves in the courtyard. She tells Juan that Jofre’s sweet, but lacks his older brother’s vigor. Give the poor kid a chance, lady, he’s only 13!

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