Previously on Game of Thrones: Petyr took Sansa to Winterfell to marry her off to Ramsay Bolton, Ellaria tried to convince Oberyn’s brother to go to war and avenge his brother, and Tyrion got kidnapped by Jorah.

Dorne is our cool new addition to the opening credits.

A man ties up his fishing vessel at night, returns to shore, and is immediately knocked unconscious by Jorah, who drags him onto the beach and steals his boat, tossing a bound and gagged Tyrion in first.

Meanwhile, on a slightly larger boat, we catch up with Jaime and Bronn, just passing by Brienne’s hometown of Tarth. Belowdecks, Bronn asks why they’re travelling so incognito and Jaime explains that they’re going to sneak ashore.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: Sons of the Harpy”

Previously on Game of Thrones: Tyrion and Varys set off on what’s turning out to be an interminable road trip. Bree and Pod found Sansa and started following her and Petyr. Arya arrived in Braavos and finally made her way into the House of Black and White, and Jon managed to get two offers of a lifetime.

We’ve got Moat Cailin in the credits this week.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: High Sparrow”

Previously on Game of Thrones: Dany went on a city conquering, freedom-spreading binge, finally winding up in Meereen, where her dragons proceeded to start eating the local children. She locked two of them up, but the third is still in the wind. Joffrey finally got what’s been coming to him for years now, and the murder was immediately pinned on Tyrion, who demanded a trial by combat and got to watch as his champion’s head got smashed like a grape. Fortunately, Jaime took pity on his brother and freed him. Unfortunately, Tyrion spent some time wandering about the castle afterwards and came upon Shae (who had already inexplicably turned against him at his trial) tucked up in his father’s bed, and his father tucked up in the bog. He dispatched both before climbing into a crate and letting Varys smuggle him out of the country. Sansa, too, escaped, reaching the Eyrie with the help of Petyr. Lysa was as crazy as ever—crazier, even, after she married Petyr, who eventually just threw her out of the moon door. The wildlings attacked Castle Black, which was saved by the timely intervention of Stannis. Ygritte was amongst the casualties, and Mance was captured.

Yay, no new locations in the credits! Winterfell’s no longer a smoking ruin, which is nice to see, though it’s less nice to see the sigil of House Bolton on it now.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: The Wars to Come”

Previously on Game of Thrones: The men of the Night’s Watch managed to beat back Mance’s army, for the moment; Tyrion lost his trial by combat and was sentenced to death; Brienne and Podrick closed in on Arya and the Hound, who made it to the Eyrie, only to discover Lysa was already dead.

We begin right where we left off, with Jon on his way to meet with Mance. He’s able to stroll straight into the Wildlings’ camp, because they’re either that confident of the superiority of their numbers, or their sentries completely suck. Jon shows them he’s unarmed and Mance comes out to usher Jon into his tent for a parlay. Inside, he scolds Jon for being a spy and observes that Ygritte wasn’t enough to turn him to the Wildling side. He offers Jon a drink and reassures him it’s not poison. Not his way, I think. Mance goes on to say that the Rangers did really well against his army and giants and they both raise a glass to their fallen. Mance asks what kind of bargain Jon wants to strike and Jon tells him he’d better turn his army around and go on home, despite the vast superiority of numbers Mance has. Mance says there are 400 men now climbing the Wall and that his people aren’t heading south to conquer, they want protection from the horrors of winter. He promises nobody else will die if Jon opens the gates and just lets his people through.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: The Children”

Previously on Game of Thrones: Petyr threw Lysa through the Moon Door. I’d say he did the world a favour, but she’s already reproduced, so too late. Roose Bolton sent Ramsay (and Theon) to take Moat Cailin, the wildlings got some horrible cannibalistic allies, and Oberyn volunteered to be Tyrion’s champion.

At the Mole Town tavern/brothel where Sam stashed Ghillie, it’s business as usual. One woman is exhibiting her belching prowess. Sexy. She then goes upstairs to give Ghillie crap about her baby making noise. When she threatens little Sam, Ghillie gets all mama bear and warns the woman never to touch him. There’s a noise outside that catches Ghillie’s attention: it’s the wildlings and their teammates, here to do some slaughtering. They make their way to the brothel and slash their way through the customers and whores. After dispatching the baby-threatening bitch, Ygritte hears little Sam crying, and she finds Ghillie hiding with him. She gestures for them to stay quiet and then leaves them, so we know she hasn’t totally lost her humanity, at least.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: My Name is Oberyn Martell. You Killed My Sister. Prepare to Die”

Previously on Game of Thrones: Stannis got a much-needed loan from the Iron Bank; Jon took back Craster’s Keep; Petyr delivered Sansa to the Eyrie, where things got creepy almost immediately; and Tyrion demanded a trial by combat.

We’re all over the map with this one (literally), so let’s get right to it.

Jaime’s giving Tyrion hell for not taking the deal to beg for leniency and spend the rest of his life at the Wall, but Tyrion’s unrepentant. It was Shae that put him over the edge, and he just couldn’t help but let everyone have it, as they deserved. Also, he rather enjoyed sticking it to his father, who wanted Jaime at Casterley Rock and Tyrion dead. Now he has neither of those things. Jaime has little faith in Tyrion’s chances, telling his brother he can’t serve as his champion, because he sucks at fighting now his sword hand’s gone. Tyrion looks bummed but figures he can just fall back on Bronn. He asks Jaime to find him and asks who Cersei has named as her champion.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: Where the Heart Is”

Previously on Game of Thrones: Dany decided to hunker down in Meereen to learn the business of ruling, Tyrion moved ever closer to going on trial for Joffrey’s murder, and Davos appealed to the Iron Bank of Braavos on Stannis’s behalf.

Oh, God, another new location? As if my sleep-deprived, baby-addled brain isn’t about ready to explode just trying to remember all the people and places we currently have on this show? All right, guess we’re going to Braavos.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: The Trial of Tyrion Lannister”

Previously on Game of Thrones: The Hound helped himself to a farmer’s silver, which totally pissed off Arya; Jaime sent Bree off with Podrick to save Sansa, who’s on her way to the Eyrie with Petyr; Jon got ready to mount an attack on Craster’s Keep, where the Bran Band happens to be held hostage; and the Tyrell ladies started manoeuvring to get Margaery together with Tommen.

Tommen is crowned king, the first of his name. At the afterparty, Cersei notices him smiling at Margaery, who’s off to the side, and goes to have a chat with her once and future daughter-in-law. Margaery’s face says she’s ready to do battle, but Cersei’s pretty much comes in peace and admits that Joffrey was a nightmare, while Tommen may actually make a decent king and husband for Margaery. Margaery’s smart enough not to leap at the opportunity, only agreeing to speak with her father about it. Cersei agrees to do the same.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: Visions of Death”

Previously on Game of Thrones: Tyrion rotted in prison, accused of murdering Joffrey, while his wife fled to the (possible) safety of Petyr’s ship to the Eyrie. The Bran Band continued kicking around north of the Wall, and Jon was determined to go take back Craster’s keep.

Missy’s giving Grey Worm a language lesson, which turns into a discussion of their lives before slavery. She remembers a tiny bit, but he remembers nothing and wonders if he was always with the Unsullied. She tells him he wasn’t and suggests that someday he could return to his homeland. He doesn’t have any interest in that, instead focusing on carrying out Dany’s plan of killing all slave masters. Dany herself comes into the tent, asks how the lessons are going, and tells Grey Worm that it’s time to go.

Continue reading “Game of Thrones: Oathkeeper”