Game of Thrones: Well, That’s One Way to Crown a King

Previously on Game of Thrones: Ned got fired/quit as Hand of the King and was all ready to go home, but then Jaime Lannister attacked him in the city and killed Jory because he was pissed off about Tyrion being taken prisoner by Cate, who hauled the Imp to The Eyrie to see her nutjob sister.

Ned wakes, looking a bit feverish, perhaps from that leg wound he wound up with during Jaime’s attack. He finds Robert and Cersei hovering over his bed. He and Cersei almost immediately start harping at each other over the Tyrion situation, until Robert shouts at them both to shut up and orders Ned to return Tyrion to his family and make his peace with Jaime. Ned’s unwilling to do either and wants to go fetch Jaime so he can face justice for all of last episode’s unlawful murdering. Robert hesitates, and Cersei starts nagging him, telling him he should be wearing the dress and she the armor. He decides to show her how tough he is by smacking her in the face. I’m in no way an advocate of domestic violence, but I have to admit, I was a tiny bit happy to see someone smack this awful bitch for a change. Maybe that’ll shut her up for a minute. She leaves, and Robert admits he shouldn’t have hit her. He also repeats his order for Ned to release Tyrion so they can all get on with their lives. And he can’t go after Jaime, because he’s deeply in debt to Lannister Senior, and he really can’t have the Starks and the Lannisters at war with each other. He reinstates Ned as King’s Hand and leaves him in charge of the kingdom while he goes out hunting for a few days.

In Dothrakiville, Daenerys picks up one of the dragon’s eggs and impulsively puts it on a bed of smoldering coals. Her slave comes in just as Daenerys goes to pick up the egg. The slave runs over and grabs the egg, afraid Daenerys will burn herself, but although the egg burns the slave, it leaves Daenerys unmarked. Interesting.

In Winterfell, Bran’s dreaming about his three-eyed crow again. He’s wakened from his dream by the arrival of Odo, the hulking manservant, with Bran’s special new saddle.

Before long, Bran’s delightedly trotting around on his horse under the watchful eyes of Robb and Theon. Ok, question: how much time has passed here? Because I seem to recall Tyrion saying they needed to train a horse up special for Bran to ride, starting from when the horse was a yearling. Are we just supposed to forget about that, or have years magically passed?

Theon and Robb discuss what happened between Jaime and Ned in the city. Word travels fast, I see. Except, apparently, when Tyrion Lannister gets kidnapped from an inn right near the city, because it took days for that news to reach his family. Theon thinks Robb should start killing him some Lannisters but Robb’s not keen on the idea of starting a war. Theon says its Robb’s duty to defend his house, and Robb rather meanly says it’s none of Theon’s business, because this isn’t his family. It’s then he realizes Bran’s gone missing. Theon, in a snit, leaves without helping Robb search for his brother.

Bran wanders right into the clutches of some wildlings (I guess), and I’m pretty sure one of them is played by Nyphadora Tonks. They want his horse, but he can’t get off alone. He stupidly tells them who he is, and Tonks wants to take him prisoner and ransom him off, but one of the others just wants the horse and starts cutting the straps on the saddle to pull Bran off.

Robb finally shows up and tells them to let Bran go, but they attack instead and one guy gets himself killed. The other—who’s dressed all in black, so I’m guessing he’s a Night’s Watch escapee—grabs Bran just as Robb grabs Tonks and they have a face-off, until Theon comes in and dispatches the Watchman with a well-placed arrow. Robb abandons Tonks and goes to collect Bran, then yells at Theon for being so reckless. Tonks begs for her life, so Robb agrees to spare her.

At The Eyrie, Tyrion somehow manages to roll right to the edge of his cell in his sleep. How does he manage to stay on a bed? How much does he move around in his sleep? He calls for the jailor, whose name is Maude, I think. Maude, like most thuggish types in these stories, is simple and hits Tyrion a few times and ignores his promise of riches if he lets Tyrion go.

Arya’s having one of her fencing lessons, but she’s not in the mood after Jory’s death and her father’s injury. Her fencing master goads her, telling her it’s good to fight when you’re angry and upset. It is? I would have thought it would be more distracting and dangerous, but what do I know?

Daenerys is partaking of some ritual that requires her to eat an entire horse’s heart raw while Khal Drogo watches and the women of the tribe chant. Viserys doubts she’ll be able to keep such a gross meal down and asks Jorah what some wise woman is chanting. She’s basically telling everyone the baby’s going to be a boy. Viserys snits that the baby won’t be a true Targaryen. He doesn’t know when to shut up, does he?

Daenerys finishes the heart and nearly starts to retch, but she keeps it down, gets to her feet, and announces to the crowd, in Dothraki, that a prince rides within her, and he’ll be named Rhaego. Everyone starts chanting the name as Khal smiles proudly and lifts her off her feet, parading her around the room. Viserys, amazed, observes that the people love her. Jorah proudly says that she’s truly a queen, but Viserys has disappeared.

While everyone is busy with the ritual, Viserys has withdrawn to Daenerys’s tent to steal her dragon eggs. Jorah finds him there, and Viserys says that selling them will buy him ships and an army. Viserys pouts that nobody loves him the way they love Daenerys. Oh, poor you. And then he proves just why that is by telling Jorah he knows Jorah has a crush on Daenerys and he doesn’t really care. Jorah tells him he can go ahead and leave, if he wants, but he’s not taking the eggs. Viserys can’t win a fight against Jorah and knows it, so he drops the eggs and stomps out of the tent.

Tyrion’s yelling for Maude again, and when Maude reappears, he manages to explain that he’s a Lannister, and he’ll give him lots and lots of money if he sends a message to Lysa: he’s ready to confess to his crimes.

Naturally, that offer gets him an immediate audience with Lysa, her kid, Cate, and the whole Eyrie court. Tyrion starts confessing to his bad deeds—going all the way back to childhood. The gentlemen of the Eyrie seem amused by his confessions, and so is one of the men who helped capture Tyrion. After a little while, Lysa shuts him up, and Cate steps in and reminds him that he’s accused of trying to murder Bran and helping to murder Jon Arryn. Tyrion says he knows nothing about that. Lysa’s ready to send him back to the dungeon, but Tyrion reminds them that this isn’t justice at all. He requests a real trial. Lysa shows him what awaits if he’s found guilty: being thrown through a hole in the floor that has a very, very long drop. Lysa’s all ready to have her creepy kid, who just wants to throw Tyrion through the floor right now, rule on Tyrion’s guilt or lack thereof, but Tyrion requests a trial by combat, naming his brother, Jaime, his champion. Lysa’s unwilling to wait for Jaime to arrive, probably because she knows he’ll win, so Tyrion asks if anyone’s willing to fight on his behalf. There’s only one taker: that one mercenary who was so entertained by Tyrion’s “confession.”

Robert’s stalking through the forest, accompanied by a really bored Renly and Ser Barristan, commander of the Kingsguard. Robert’s reminiscing about the old days and how things were simpler then. He misses just being able to kill people and sleep with random women all over the seven kingdoms. Renly finally loses his temper and reminds Robert that the old days kind of sucked, because dragons ran rampant, burning down cities, and the mad king killed people left and right for fun. He stomps off and Robert gets back to his hunting. Well, I’m glad we had that fairly pointless scene.

Ned, meanwhile, is sitting on the iron throne with the council gathered around him while a tearful peasant tells him about how their village has been attacked and completely destroyed. The attackers weren’t thieves, because they didn’t steal anything. In fact, they left a present: a bunch of fish, which is they symbol of House Tully, Cate’s father’s house. Ned asks if the attackers were flying a banner that would identify them. They weren’t, but their leader sounds familiar: he’s able to take the head right off a horse in a single sword swing. I think we all remember Gregor, the horse-murdering sore loser douchebag, right? Pycelle wonders why Gregor would behave in such a way, being a knight and all, but Petyr reminds him that Gregor answers to the Lannisters, who clearly have a huge beef with Cate. Ned promises the peasant justice and dispatches a knight with 100 men to capture Gregor. That poor guy is so dead. He strips Gregor of all lands and titles and sentences him to death. On pretty thin evidence, I must say, not that I doubt he’s the one behind this. Pycelle thinks this is hasty, but Ned’s on a roll and tells him to send a raven to Lannister Senior and order him to appear at court to answer for the actions of Gregor. He’s got two weeks, and then he’ll be branded an enemy of the crown. Ned’s not messing around. We’ll see if Robert ever leaves him in charge again.

The battle for Tyrion’s life begins. Tyrion’s champion is much less weighted down by armor than his opponent, and he easily dodges the other knight’s blows. He’s also not afraid to engage in a little dirty fighting. He finally wounds his opponent, who nonetheless continues to fight. He’s wounded again, in the leg, and makes a valiant attempt to keep going, but this isn’t going to happen. Tyrion’s champion finishes him off and tosses him through the open hole in the floor. Tyrion smiles and nods his thanks, and the champion smiles and nods back. Lysa sneers that the man doesn’t fight with honor, but it doesn’t really matter at this point. Tyrion is released, retrieves his purse from Cate’s bodyguard, tosses it to Maude, and leaves the Eyrie, trailed by his champion.

In King’s Landing, Sansa’s sewing in that sullen way of hers. Septa observes that Sansa’s wearing her hair like a southern lady now, and Sansa starts throwing around all sorts of teen attitude and lip. Has she been taking lessons from Joffrey? What’s her deal?

Speak of the devil—he’s come for a visit. Does he have attitude radar? He’s come to apologize to Sansa for being a dick and offers her a locket as a gift. He tells her she’s his lady and will be his queen someday. Has he been reading Ivanhoe or something? What’s with this 180? What is he up to?

On his way home from a ride, Theon spots his favorite whore, Roz, heading out of town on a cart. She tells him she’s heading for King’s Landing, and ignores all his attempts to persuade her to stay. As she drives off, he tosses her a coin and she flashes him her crotch one last time. Keep it classy, HBO!

Ned sits the girls down and tells them he’s sending them both back to Winterfell. Neither of them are happy to hear that—Sansa’s all googly eyed over Joffrey again, and Arya has her fencing lessons. They beg him to let them stay, and Sansa starts to get a little hysterical, shrieking about how she wants to give Joffrey lovely blonde-haired babies someday. That gives Ned pause, because remember—the seed is strong, and it’s worth noting that all of Robert’s bastards had dark hair, just like Robert. Ned sends them away and opens the large book with all the houses and their members’ physical descriptions listed inside. He flips to the Baratheon page and reads out how every one of them had black hair, except for Joffrey, the lone blonde (aside from his siblings). Ned looks shocked and closes the book.

In Dothrakitown, a party’s in full swing, and Daenerys is loving it, until Viserys shows up all drunk and belligerent. She asks Jorah to get rid of him, but Viserys is there to put on a serious show. He tells Khal Drogo he’s there for the feast, and his brother-in-law tells him he can have a seat way in the back. Viserys shakes his head and says that’s no place for a king. Drogo tells him he’s no king, so Viserys draws his sword (a big no-no in Dothrakitown, where it’s forbidden to shed blood. Except horse blood, presumably.) Viserys points the blade at Daenerys’s belly and tells her that he wants the crown that was promised him, while Daenerys’s slave translates what he’s saying for Khal Drogo. Viserys threatens to cut the baby out of Daenerys and take her back. Drogo, with Daenerys translating, tells Viserys he’ll have his crown, a golden one, which men shall tremble to behold. Viserys backs down, and two Dothraki men grab him by the arms, breaking one. So violence is ok, as long as no blood is shed? I’m a little confused by the rules here. VIserys keeps whining about how he’s the dragon and he wants his crown, so Drogo puts one of his gold belts in a pot over the fire and melts it down. Jorah urges Daenerys to look away but she refuses to do so, instead coldly staring her brother down as he gets more and more alarmed. Viserys pleads with her to intercede on his behalf, but she doesn’t. Drogo takes the pot off the fire and pours the gold right over Viserys’s head, killing him. The men release him and he falls with a metallic clunk. Daenerys quietly observes that he was no dragon, because fire can’t kill a dragon. Or burn it, as she proved earlier.