cersei1-300x225Previously on Game of Thrones: Women all over Westros started putting their feet down, but none quite as much as Dany, who burned down Astapor and set off with her enormous new army.

New location: Yunkai.

Time for the Hound’s trial by combat. His captors pray to the Lord of Light first and parrot that ‘The night is dark and full of terrors’ line of Melisandre’s. Eyepatch begins by somehow lighting his sword on fire with his blood, by the look of it, which freaks out the Hound, who we already know fears fire like nothing else. That’s cheating, Eyepatch. Still, the Hound fights valiantly enough. Onlookers scatter as they slash and slice at each other. Hound’s shield catches on fire, and everyone starts to chant ‘Guilty! Guilty!’ Arya screams for Eyepatch to kill him, but Hound gets the last slash and takes off Eyepatch’s arm. One of the other men throws himself on Eyepatch and begs for the Lord of Light to bring him back. Arya grabs a knife and goes to finish the job herself, but she’s dragged back by one of the others. Hound unwisely taunts her, saying the gods clearly like him more than the butcher’s boy. Arya screams for him to burn in hell, and Eyepatch, suddenly very much alive and all healed up, says he will someday, but not today.

Rayder’s camp. Two of the men ask Jon about the patrols on the Wall. He gives them some details, and asks for some details of the attack in return, which they won’t give. They ask about the castles guarding the wall and he says there are three: Castle Black, Eastwatch, and Shadowtower. One of the men accuses Jon of still being a Ranger, and Ygritte sticks up for him. The other man—the redhead who pretended to be Mance when Jon first showed up, tosses the other aside and tells Jon he likes him, but he’d better not be lying.

Afterwards, Jon bitches at Ygritte for defending him, so she gets playful and steals his sword and tells him to come and get it. He chases her into an underground cave, where she tells him to prove he’s not still a Crow by having sex with her. She strips down, but he says that they shouldn’t. She thinks otherwise, and before long, they’re full-on making out, and then he’s heading below the belt.

Later, she asks if that’s a common move down south (heh). He’s not sure, it just occurred to him. Well done, Jon. Talk turns, unsexily, to their sexual past. For the record, Jon doesn’t have one, and she’s had a couple. This does not appear to dampen the mood, and they jump into a nearby hot spring for some sexy bathtime. She tells him she doesn’t want to leave the cave, ever.

Hound’s demanding to be paid, as promised (when did that happen? Did I miss that?) Arya insists he be killed instead, but the others say that God disagrees with his guilty verdict, so they let him go instead.

Brie and Jaime are taken to a castle and handed over to…someone who’s pissed off at their treatment and orders them to be taken care of. He even calls Brie ‘my lady’. Jaime asks the man—Lord Bolton?—if there’s news from the capitol. He tells him about Stannis’s attack and how it was repulsed. Jaime collapses in relief and is sent to the Maester for treatment.

The Maester checks out the handless arm and says it’s infected. He can cut away the bad flesh, and offers Jaime some milk of the poppy, but Jaime, for some reason, refuses it, instead offering to just scream. Why?

Petryr is pulled aside by Cersei, who says she doesn’t think Margaery’s family has the crown’s best interests at heart. She asks him to have a chat with the Tyrells before he leaves King’s Landing.

Oleanna’s having an afternoon snack with Tyrion, who gently tells her that the cost of the upcoming wedding might be a little too much. Olenna reminds him of how much they owe her family and says that the people want distractions, and isn’t a royal wedding a great one? Tyrion has no response for that, and she seems disappointed that he hasn’t put up more of a fight. She offers to cover half the cost and sweeps out.

Arya finds Gendry repairing someone’s armour, and he admits that he plans to stay with the Brotherhood. She thinks he’s nuts, because eventually the Brotherhood will be found and slaughtered, presumably for being deserters. But Gendry knows he’s dead no matter what he does, so he might as well do something he believes in. Plus, it’s an opportunity for him to serve himself, instead of someone else. He adds that the Brotherhood is a family, something he never had. Arya sadly says she could be his family, but he says that wouldn’t be the case, because she’s actually a lady.

Two boys in a dungeon—one of them the Lannister Lad Robb’s uncle was holding prisoner, I think—are wakened early in the morning and slaughtered. Later, Robb and Talisa looks over the bodies, and then Robb takes to task the men who had the nerve to kill these kids. Yeah, you don’t go killing the squires. Just ask Henry V. The guilty man mocks Robb for failing to do more than scold those who commit treason, so Robb has him thrown in a dungeon and orders the other men hanged. One of them speaks up and says he was only the watchman, so Robb says to hang him last, so he can watch the others die. Damn, Robb, that’s cold.

Edmure, Robb’s uncle, says that news of this can’t ever leave Riverrun, for fear of how the Lannisters would retaliate. Cate and Talisa tell Robb he can’t kill the man who was responsible, Karstark, because they need his family. They urge him to keep him as a hostage.

But I guess Robb’s not taking any advice from the womenfolk, because Karstark is brought to a place of execution, and he reminds Robb how loyal he’s been all this time.  Robb tells him to kneel, then takes out his sword and sentences him to die. Karstark says Robb’s no king of his, so Robb goes ahead and chops his head right off. Well, at least he learned that one lesson from his father: the man who passes sentence should always swing the blade.

Arya recites the names of all the people she wants dead, and then asks Thoros what they plan to do with her. He says they’ll drop by Riverrun and essentially ransom her to Robb. She sniffs that she’s a hostage after all, then, and he says they need the gold. They’re joined by Eyepatch, who asks if he frightens her. She says no. He realizes she’s angry with him for losing to the Hound and she says she thought he died. He asks Thoros how many times he’s been brought back from the dead by the Lord of Light. This would be time number six. Five was how he lost the eye—dagger through it. Lovely. He says that every time he comes back, he’s a bit less, because pieces get chipped away. Arya asks if he could bring back a man without a head, and they gently tell her it doesn’t work that way, adding that Ned is at rest now.

A woman prays over a brazier to the Lord of Light, only to be interrupted by Stannis, who seems super uncomfortable with her. I’m guessing this is the wife he neglects so much. She urges him not to despair, because he’s the one true king. He doesn’t want to have her sing his praises, though. He wants to confess to having slept with Melisandre. She already knows about it, because Melisandre told her everything, that bitch. But wifey apparently wept with joy. She turns and walks over to three canisters with preserved foetuses inside them. GAH! Jesus, is there no strangeness this show won’t plumb? These, apparently, are the sons she gave Stannis that didn’t live, which she kept, for some unknown and doubtless insane reason. She’s pleased that Melisandre was able to give him a son, while she was unable to give him anything. Stannis says that’s not true—apparently she gave birth to a daughter, but she doesn’t want Stannis to see her, because she considers the girl a distraction he doesn’t need. Stannis ignores her and goes to a nearby door, through which he can hear a little girl singing to herself. He lets himself into the room, and the child, whose face is scarred just like the Hound’s, greets him joyfully and asks after the Onion Knight, whom she’s apparently friends with. Stannis tells her he won’t be visiting, and she can’t see why not. Stannis tells her that Davos is a traitor and is currently rotting away in a dungeon. The girl looks sad, and he gruffly urges her to forget him.

Brie scrubs herself in the bath and is unexpectedly joined by Jaime, who tells a guard to get lost and climbs into the large, pool-like tub she’s in, despite her protestations. He tells her to chill out, because he’s not interested, and then he foolishly pokes fun at her crush on Renley, getting her mad enough to stand up, naked and all, so he apologises. Talk turns to the Mad King, who used to burn people just for fun, and was obsessed with fire, so he had wildfire put all around the city. And then the war came. Jaime urged the king to surrender, as the Baratheons and Lannisters closed in, but Pycelle told the king it’d be ok, because the Lannisters were on their side. They opened the gates, and Tywin sacked the city. The Mad King told Jaime to bring his father’s head, which Jaime just couldn’t bring himself to do, and furthermore the Mad King was going to burn the whole city down, so Jaime killed the king instead, and it’s clearly not a good memory. He gets all worked up, and Brie calls for help, referring to him as the Kingslayer, but he corrects her and says his name is Jaime.

Stannis’s daughter, Shireen, sneaks down to the dungeons to see Davos and asks if he’s really a traitor. Davos says he is, but she doesn’t care. He’s her friend, and she figures he must be bored, so she brought him something to read. Awww. She promises to bring him more, and he gently tells her he can’t read. She promises to teach him, but he refuses to let her endanger herself. She doubts her father will do anything too bad, so she gets started with the teaching.

Dany and her massive army are on the move. Barristan and Jorah reminisce about battles past as they ride along. Barristan says he wants to know what it’s like to serve with pride and fight for someone he believes in. He asks if Jorah believes in Dany, and Jorah says he does, with all his heart. Indeed.

Dany addresses her troops, asking them if they’ve selected a leader. They step aside and indicate one man, who steps forward and introduces himself as Grey Worm. Missy explains that they’re all given new names when they’re cut, to remind them that they’re vermin. Dany tells them all to choose new names that give them pride. Grey Worm likes Grey Worm, because it’s the name he had when Dany set him free, so he considers it luckier than the name he was born with.

Back with Jorah and Barristan. Barristan reveals he wasn’t put on the Small Council, even though it was tradition for the commander of the Kingsguard to sit on it. He didn’t care, though, because he always hated politics. Jorah’s with him on that but figures they’ll have to put up with it, if they’re going to go all the way with Dany. Barristan warns Jorah that his reputation in King’s Landing is pretty bad, and he might not be welcomed back. Jorah gets a little bit prickly over that.

Predictably, the Karstarks have abandoned Robb. Talisa suggests he head back north and take back Winterfell, but Robb says that, if they do that, his Lords will just go home. He thinks they’re purposeless now, so she further suggests they find a new purpose. Neither of them has any idea what that might be, but after a minute, Robb gets an idea: attack Casterley Rock. But to do that, he’s going to need help from Walter Frey. Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be really delighted to help you out since you totally reneged on your last promise to him, Robb. Robb’s an idiot.

King’s Landing. Margaery and Sansa watch Loras and someone else practice fighting. Sansa asks when the wedding can go ahead, and Margaery says she’ll plant the seed as soon as she’s married to Joffrey. Meanwhile, Loras is served some water by a cute page, and very soon afterwards they’re in bed together. God, poor Sansa, she really does have the worst luck with men, doesn’t she?

Cut directly from the two men getting it on to Petyr smirking and saying ‘that didn’t take long.’ HA! Turns out the cute page is in his pay, and he reveals that Loras is engaged to be married to Sansa.

Petyr immediately goes to Sansa and tells her he’s going to be leaving the city soon. He asks her what she wants to do, and she says it might be best for her to wait, since it’d be dangerous for them both if he was caught smuggling her out. He claims to be touched by her concern and reminds her that he’s her true friend. If she wants to stay, that’s her choice.

Tyrion, toting a huge ledger, meets with his father and, unexpectedly, his sister. He’s able to report that they’ve saved quite a bit of money on the wedding. Tywin wants to discuss the Tyrell plan to marry Sansa to Loras. Tyrion doesn’t care about that but Tywin thinks she’s the key to the north, since he’s pretty sure Robb’s days are numbered, with the Karstarks now fleeing. What they need to do is find Sansa another husband: Tyrion! Tyrion thinks that’s horribly cruel, considering how miserable this family’s already made her, but Tywin couldn’t care less about Sansa’s happiness. While Cersei smiles smugly, he tells Tyrion to marry her and knock her up ASAP. But that smile disappears quickly when Tywin tells Cersei she’ll be the one marrying Loras. She begs him not to do this, and he tells her she’ll do as she’s told, just like Tyrion, because they’ve both disgraced the family name for too long. And with that, another episode comes to a close.

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