The White Queen: My Kingdom for a Horse!

amandaandhenryforw_2646079bPreviously on The White Queen: Elizabeth remained trapped in sanctuary with her increasingly bitchy daughter. The two princes disappeared from the Tower after a botched rescue attempt, and nobody seems to know quite what happened to them, though almost everyone, including Anne, thinks Richard or one of his retainers was behind the deaths. Elizabeth and Lizzy responded in the only way they know how: by cursing the person responsible.

Elizabeth has apparently left sanctuary and arrives at a pretty home in the country, along with her two smallest moppets. She seems relieved.

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The White Queen: We All Fall Down

4476922-low-the-white-queen-710x400Previously on The White Queen: Edward died, and Elizabeth fled to sanctuary but was forced to give up both her sons (one to the Tower, the other to secret exile). Margaret started working to put her son on the throne, and Richard named himself king, to Anne’s delight.

Richard has Stanley, Buckingham, and Brackenbury lined up in front of them so he can thank them for their loyalty. Brackenbury is named Constable of the Tower, Buckingham is Lord Chamberlain, and Stanley is Lord High Constable. Not a bad deal for any of them. Margaret certainly looks pleased. Stanley also gets the Order of the Garter. They all swear their loyalty to Richard.

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The White Queen: The Kingmakers

white-queen-1x08-7Previously on The White Queen: Isabel followed George down a deep, deep well of paranoia before dying of childbed fever (or an Elizabeth-wrought curse, depending on whom you ask). George kept falling, until he was helped head-first into a barrel of wine.

Family dinnertime! A few years have evidently passed, and the kids are all teens or actual children. Elizabeth notes that Edward seems to be running a fever, but he reassures her he’s fine.

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The White Queen: Brother Against Brother

34498Previously on The White Queen: Elizabeth cursed George, who subsequently lost his firstborn son. Richard married Anne Neville, Margaret married a Yorkist and became one of Elizabeth’s ladies-in-waiting, and Elizabeth lost both a son and her mother.

Elizabeth’s preggo again, no surprise there. And while she cradles her swelling belly, Edward entertains himself with an orgy, creepily watched by both his brothers. I can’t help but find it kind of hilarious that George is sitting there stroking a whippet like he’s Dr Evil or something. Stanley is on  hand to smilingly offer Edward wine and to join in the toast Edward offers to Elizabeth, who’s apparently in labour as we speak. And if you think that mentioning one’s pregnant wife would be a buzzkill to the ladies, well, you haven’t experienced a York orgy.

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The White Queen: Life and Death

p01cyznpPreviously on The White Queen: Margaret of Anjou was finally defeated, Anne was made a widow, and Edward rid himself of Henry VI.

As Richard promised, Anne has been brought to court and now she’s being presented to the king and queen, under the watchful eye of…everyone, really, including Isabel. Elizabeth’s giving off such an extreme chill I suddenly feel compelled to get a hot water bottle, which seems a bit unfair. Elizabeth has to know that Anne really had no say in her own fate here. I mean, we can’t all have witchy mothers who control the future with little charms, right?

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The White Queen: Queens Militant

b036y80nPreviously on The White Queen: Warwick changed sides again, allying with Margaret of Anjou by marrying his daughter Anne to Margaret’s horrible son. Edward was sent running to Flanders for safety, while Elizabeth sought sanctuary in Westminster Abbey and gave birth to a prince.

At court, Jasper snakes through the crowd to Margaret and tells her there’s a rumour that Edward and his brother, Richard, are both dead in a shipwreck. She’s somewhat dubious, despite Jasper claiming this is good for their cause. She observes that, even if Edward is dead, he has a son and heir now, so if it’s God’s will that her son Henry should be king, why does he keep throwing up roadblocks? I think God might just be bored, Margaret.

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The White Queen: Are You There, God?

The White QueenPreviously on The White Queen: The Woodvilles snubbed, shunned, and thwarted Warwick until he got sick of it, allied with Edward’s brother George, and started up a rebellion. Off in the hinterlands, Lady Margaret started bringing out the serious crazy as she tried manoeuvring to put her own son on the throne someday.

In the Tower, Elizabeth spies on old King Henry being stripped and bathed by a manservant. Why is she watching this? Guess we’ll never find out. Her mother arrives and asks Elizabeth if there’s been any word of her captured husband. There hasn’t, and Elizabeth stresses about him possibly meeting the same fate as her father and brother. She whines about King Henry being safe and in comfort while god-knows-what is happening to her husband.

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The White Queen: Dumb and Dumber

Rebecca-Ferguson-in-THE-WHITE-QUEEN-600x400Previously on The White Queen: Horny King Edward really, really wanted to sleep with Elizabeth Woodville, but she wouldn’t give up the goods, so he married her, royally (sorry) pissing off his bitchy mother and the Earl of Warwick, aka The Kingmaker.

Look at that, Elizabeth’s pregnant now. No big surprise there, considering her entire marriage is based on sex. It’s now the 26 May 1465.

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The White Queen: Social Climbing

Rebecca Ferguson and Max Irons in episode 1 of The White QueenI may as well say it: the opening credits kinda suck. I think I’ve been spoiled.

Sorry, now for the actual show.

A soldier stumbles through the snow, pursued by his enemies, one wearing a helmet with a crown. The soldier’s wounded, and they trap him up against a tree. He screams as the crowned one swings his sword, and then he transforms into a pretty blonde woman who wakes from her nightmare, gasping.

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Perkin Warbeck

Do you know what happened when someone got a little too big for his britches in 15th century England? Of course you do, you watched The Tudors. Unfortunately, Perkin Warbeck failed to get the memo that Tudor monarchs tended to execute first and ask questions later and went ahead and tried to claim the throne for himself, swearing he was the supposed-dead son of King … Continue reading Perkin Warbeck