Game of Thrones: And What Do We Say to Death?

Previously on Game of Thrones: Ned’s idiocy got him thrown into prison, which pissed off Robb, so he gathered a big ol’ army and started marching on the Lannisters. Up on The Wall, Jon proved his worth by saving Mormont from a zombie. Oh, and Drogo got a scratch on him in a fight that I’m sure will somehow wind up being fatal.

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The Borgias: War is Hell

Previously on The Borgias: The French rolled in and totally trashed Lucca, which made the rest of Italy basically wet itself. Giulia paid a visit to Lucrezia and found out dear Lu is pregnant, and the kid’s not Sforza’s.

In the middle of the night, Giulia steals out to the stables, where she gently wakes Paolo. She asks if he’s “the one” and he readily admits to it. She tells him he’s not to say the same to anyone else, or she’ll see him hanged. He understands. Giulia orders him to prepare two horses for the ladies, so they can leave at dawn.

Alexander’s getting dressed and telling Cesare that he had a nightmare that everyone had abandoned them, and he found himself dressed as a peasant as the French army swarmed through Rome. He tells Cesare to summon the Spanish ambassador, because he and Alexander need to have a talk.

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The Borgias: Apocalypse Now

Previously on The Borgias: Della Rovere went to France and asked King Charles to invade Italy. Charles agreed, as long as he got to conduct the fighting his way. Lucrezia’s affair with Paulo continued, while Cesare’s affair with Ursula fizzled. Jofre got married to a woman who started sleeping with his brother, Juan.

The French are packing up their cannons and getting ready to invade Italy. A French commander asks della Rovere what the Italian words for cannonfire, recoil, and gunpowder are. DR says there are no such words that he knows of. Frenchie seems glad to hear it.

Meanwhile, down south, Juan and Sancia are in bed together. Even though they’re having a pretty enthusiastic time of it, Sancia pauses to glance out the window at her little husband, who’s playing with the doves in the courtyard. She tells Juan that Jofre’s sweet, but lacks his older brother’s vigor. Give the poor kid a chance, lady, he’s only 13!

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Camelot: Justice

Previously on Camelot: Merlin set out to score Arthur a great sword, but made a huge mess of things and wound up killing a girl named Excalibur. The nun who taught Morgan shows up at Magical Manse just as Morgan’s starting to randomly turn into Igraine, and together they manage to get Morgan through a near death experience. Or maybe a real death experience, it wasn’t really all that clear.

Excalibur (the girl) is haunting Merlin’s dreams. Merlin’s apparently taken to hiding himself away, as Kay helpfully informs us as he, Arthur, and a few guards ride through the forest in the rain. As they ride along, we cut back and forth between them and two men having a knock-down, drag-out fight. Arthur, wimpy as always, suggests stopping until the rain ceases, but Kay sniffs at that and they keep going. Good thing, too, because a little further down the road a young girl runs out of the woods and waves for them to stop, because “he’s going to kill him.” Meanwhile, one of the guys in the fight gets the upper hand and bashes his opponent’s head in with a rock. A bunch of villagers show up just in time to see him deliver the killing blow, and they immediately start to string up the murderer, just as Arthur and his entourage gallop in. The girl addresses the killer as “father,” so it looks like things are about to get complicated.

Arthur orders the villagers to take the men down, and they comply, but the leader points out that the man is a murderer and they were dispensing justice. Arthur won’t hear this and asks what happened. The leader says they saw him kill leader’s brother. Arthur turns to the young girl and asks her what her name is. It’s Katelyn, and she begs Arthur not to allow the men to hang her father. Leader introduces himself as Euan, and he’s head man now his brother’s dead. Arthur tells them they’re all to present themselves at Camelot for a trial. Euan protests, but when Arthur tells him that’s the way it’s going to be, he folds like a cheap suit. To Camelot, then!

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The Borgias: Nice Day for a Spite Wedding

Previously on The Borgias: Della Rovere ran around Italy, trying to drum up support for his deposition of Alexander. In Rome, the pope started interviewing prospective husbands for Lucrezia and secured her dowry by having his houseguest, the brother of the Sultan of Constantinople, killed by his sons.

Della Rovere arrives in Florence, where he goes to hear Savonarola speak hellfire and brimstone to a crowd in a church. He seems to like what he’s hearing.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Lucrezia’s in bed, sick with a fever, being tenderly attended by Cesare. She starts to talk about her dead crush, poor Djem, whom she’s heard died of a sudden fever. She’s also heard that his death paid for her dowry, which bothers her. Cesare manages to put off her questions and they chat a bit about her future husband, Giovanni Sforza. Cesare bathes her face and kisses her forehead, and it’s actually quite sweet and touching.

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Mildred Pierce: Part II

Welcome back to the wonderful world of Mildred Pierce. We rejoin our leading lady loading up pie plates with rocks in her bedroom so she can practice carrying multiple laden dishes. Smart. The lyrics to the no doubt carefully chosen song are “I’m always chasing rainbows, watching clouds passing by,” for those who are interested in such things.

Mildred’s practice is interrupted by the sound of the front door closing and the kids squealing happily. She goes downstairs and finds Bert, who explains he stopped by to pick up a few things he left in his desk. Mildred smiles and invites him to put his feet up for a while. The girls happily fill him in on their doings, and then Vita asks him if he’d like a Scotch, in that very hoity-toity proper way of hers. Bert seems surprised there’s Scotch to be had, considering it’s illegal and all, but he says he’s cool with a drink, so Mildred, her smile getting tight, goes to fetch it.

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The Tudors: Obsession

Previously on The Tudors: Henry trashed part of France, then got bored and went home, leaving the Earl of Surrey in charge of Boulogne. Chapuys retired, much to Mary’s distress, and Henry’s health took a turn for the worst.

It’s now 1545, as we’re helpfully informed. A groom fetches a nifty little pair of eyeglasses for Henry, who uses them to read some important document. He signs it, then greets Seymour, who comes in for an audience. Seymour informs him that Surrey’s acting like a total idiot in France, attacking supply trains and the like for no reason at all, and sustaining huge losses in the process. Henry sighs and sends Seymour away.

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The Tudors: Hello, Goodbye

Previously on The Tudors: Henry married Katherine Parr and left her in charge while he went off to fight a war in France. There, Charles acquired a comely French prisoner, and Henry’s army was soon decimated by disease.

In France, the bodies of the dysentery dead are piling up so fast they’re now being tossed in a mass grave and covered with lime. So, it’s going to be one of those fun episodes, is it? Oh, and apparently there’s no food to be had for miles around, either. Still, the assaults on the city continue, as does the tunnel digging. Harry and the others continue to swing their pickaxes, almost causing a collapse at one point. Fortunately, the supports hold. Harry tells one of his coworkers the castle is still a good 300 feet away. It’s going to be a long week.

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The Tudors: Where is love?

Previously on The Tudors: Kate, Culpeper, Dereham, and Lady Rochford all got their heads chopped off. So, they’re out of the credits now, replaced by Special Guest Star Joley Richardson.

Hunsdon House. Mary tracks down Elizabeth and happily tells her they’re both being restored to the succession. Mary’s over the moon, but Elizabeth couldn’t seem to care less. She’s downcast after Kate’s death, and she’s made up her mind never to marry.

Henry receives Chapuys in his study, which is once again darkened and emo’d out. Chapuys wastes no time in telling Henry the Emperor’s at war with France again and wants Henry’s help. In return, Henry would get back Aquitaine. Henry sends him off without an answer.

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