The White Queen: Queens Militant

b036y80nPreviously on The White Queen: Warwick changed sides again, allying with Margaret of Anjou by marrying his daughter Anne to Margaret’s horrible son. Edward was sent running to Flanders for safety, while Elizabeth sought sanctuary in Westminster Abbey and gave birth to a prince.

At court, Jasper snakes through the crowd to Margaret and tells her there’s a rumour that Edward and his brother, Richard, are both dead in a shipwreck. She’s somewhat dubious, despite Jasper claiming this is good for their cause. She observes that, even if Edward is dead, he has a son and heir now, so if it’s God’s will that her son Henry should be king, why does he keep throwing up roadblocks? I think God might just be bored, Margaret.

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The White Queen: Flip-Flopper

James Frain as the Earl of Warwick in episode 4 of The White QueenPreviously on The White Queen: Edward forgave Warwick, brought him back into the inner circle, and rewarded him many times over, so naturally, Warwick decided to rebel again. Except this time it went so poorly he had to drag his pregnant daughter to France, costing him a grandson. Also pregnant: Elizabeth, and this time she’s sure it’s a boy.

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The White Queen: Are You There, God?

The White QueenPreviously on The White Queen: The Woodvilles snubbed, shunned, and thwarted Warwick until he got sick of it, allied with Edward’s brother George, and started up a rebellion. Off in the hinterlands, Lady Margaret started bringing out the serious crazy as she tried manoeuvring to put her own son on the throne someday.

In the Tower, Elizabeth spies on old King Henry being stripped and bathed by a manservant. Why is she watching this? Guess we’ll never find out. Her mother arrives and asks Elizabeth if there’s been any word of her captured husband. There hasn’t, and Elizabeth stresses about him possibly meeting the same fate as her father and brother. She whines about King Henry being safe and in comfort while god-knows-what is happening to her husband.

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The White Queen: Dumb and Dumber

Rebecca-Ferguson-in-THE-WHITE-QUEEN-600x400Previously on The White Queen: Horny King Edward really, really wanted to sleep with Elizabeth Woodville, but she wouldn’t give up the goods, so he married her, royally (sorry) pissing off his bitchy mother and the Earl of Warwick, aka The Kingmaker.

Look at that, Elizabeth’s pregnant now. No big surprise there, considering her entire marriage is based on sex. It’s now the 26 May 1465.

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The White Queen: Social Climbing

Rebecca Ferguson and Max Irons in episode 1 of The White QueenI may as well say it: the opening credits kinda suck. I think I’ve been spoiled.

Sorry, now for the actual show.

A soldier stumbles through the snow, pursued by his enemies, one wearing a helmet with a crown. The soldier’s wounded, and they trap him up against a tree. He screams as the crowned one swings his sword, and then he transforms into a pretty blonde woman who wakes from her nightmare, gasping.

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The Tudors: The Horse is Symbolic! Get it?

Previously on The Tudors: Henry married and got rid of a lot of women, had three kids, changed England’s religion (kind of), and got old. Bishop Gardiner tried to nail Queen Katherine for heresy, and Henry had Surrey tried and found guilty of treason.

Hey, Natalie Dormer, Maria Doyle Kennedy, and Annabelle Wallis are back in the opening credits! Welcome back, dead wives! I guess we’re pretending Katherine Howard didn’t exist.

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The Tudors: Just Messing With You!

Previously on The Tudors: An utterly adorable Anne of Cleves arrived in England and got a strange, disgusted reaction from Henry, who married her nonetheless, mostly because he didn’t have a choice.

Henry starts off with his council, informing everyone that he can’t bring himself to have sex with his wife because he’s sure there’s some kind of impediment to the marriage. I think we’ve all heard that one before. He brings up Anne’s alleged precontract with the Duke of Lorraine’s son, and as the camera pans across the council members, we see Rich with the most hysterically funny flummoxed look on his face, like even he can’t figure out what Henry’s problem is with this woman. Henry tells them to look into the matter and find out if his scruples are justified. He leaves, and everyone bows, Brandon and Seymour exchanging smug smiles.

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The Tudors: Marriage Made in Hell

Previously on The Tudors: Cromwell tried to engineer a marriage between Henry and the Protestant Duchy of Cleves, and for some reason, the Duke’s caginess doesn’t raise any alarm bells at all.

Holbein hangs around in Cromwell’s busy office, waiting for the man himself to show up. When he does, he tells Holbein he needs him to head to Cleves and paint a portrait of Anne. He urges Holbein to make sure the Anne in the painting is easy on the eyes, despite her actual appearance, because there’s a lot riding on this marriage. Oddly, there’s a totally sloppy historical muck-up in this scene when Cromwell refers to Anne as the current Duke’s daughter, even though she’d been previously established as the duke’s sister (as she was in real life.) Oops!

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The Tudors: Sketchy

Previously on The Tudors: Henry locked himself away to grieve, and the court went right to hell. Once he reemerged, Cromwell suggested he marry again. Also, Reginald Pole, now a Cardinal, has been stirring up trouble in Europe.

Henry’s getting dressed with Brandon standing nearby. After dismissing his servant, Henry says that all the fighting at court was unacceptable, so he’s naming Charles president of the council and Lord Great Master. He’ll be in charge any time Henry’s indisposed or not around. It might have been a good idea to think this out before you locked yourself away for weeks or days or however long it was. Henry also mentions that he’s having Seymour look into the activities of the Pole family, all of whom are now under suspicion, thanks to Reginald’s activities.

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