Winter is Coming
Hell, yeah, it is
Ned realizes being the King’s Hand kind of sucks; assassins arrive to finish off poor, comatose Bran and get to witness Cate in action; Daenerys finally starts making her marriage work
Everyone arrives in King’s Landing, where Cate gets help from an old boyfriend, which does not make Ned happy. Jon’s miserable up on The Wall, fighting men who’ve never held a sword before, but with Tyrion’s help he starts to become an actual leader. Bran’s awake, but he doesn’t remember anything, and Daenerys is blissfully pregnant (and flexing her power muscles a bit).
Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things
Ned starts digging into the circumstances surrounding Jon Arryn’s death; on the Wall, Jon adopts a new recruit named Sam; Cate has Tyrion arrested for attempting to murder Bran
Things go from bad to worse for Ned and his family as Robert fires him from his position as Hand, and the Lannisters get pissed about Cate taking Tyrion.
Well, That’s One Way to Crown a King
The Lannisters and Starks inch closer to all-out war, even as Tyrion manages to win his freedom. Meanwhile, Viserys finally goes one step too far, and gets his crown, but not in the way he was hoping.
Win or Die
Robert dies, leaving Joffrey on the throne he’s not really eligible for, and Ned plays his cards just about as wrong as he could have possibly managed
Things Get Ugly
Ned gets thrown in prison, which upsets Robb enough for him to gather an army and start marching on the Lannisters, who are all ready for war, even though they’ve got Tyrion back. Up at The Wall, things start to get seriously creepy.
And What Do We Say to Death?
Several people manage to cheat death, but a major character isn’t so lucky. Neither are two animals.
Everyone reacts to Ned’s death, which causes a heap of trouble for quite a few characters, but at least Tyrion gets a promotion out of it! Also promoted: Daenerys, who gets dragons out of the deal.
A King in Every Corner
Everybody wants a throne these days, including Robb, Daenerys, and pretty much every remaining member of the Baratheon clan
Everyone’s trying to get their allies together. Theon doesn’t get the homecoming he expected at all, Stannis and Melisandre decide to screw their way to world domination, and Jon acts suicidally stupid, proving he really is a Stark after all. Also, Gendry knows Arya’s a girl, and now he knows she’s a Stark, too.
A Long Shadow
Cate tries to forge an alliance between Renley and her son while Theon tries to actually integrate with his own family. Tyrion plays several courtiers off each other in order to unearth Cersei’s spy and also finds a new job for Shay. Arya and the others get taken prisoner.
That’s a Threat
Joffrey explores new depths of awfulness and sociopathy, Arya and Gendry wind up in the most hellish spot imaginable, and Melisandre gives birth to a dementor.
Your Own Private Assassin
Arya and Stannis both get assassins to wield, and they both do so fairly effectively. Tyrion finds a dangerous new weapon, Daenerys gets a marriage proposal and a potential new ally, and Theon decides to attack Winterfell.
Joffrey’s very existence is enough to incite a bloody riot and nearly gets his future wife raped. Theon takes Winterfell but probably isn’t up to the challenge of holding it. Jon gets a cute hostage and Daenerys loses her dragons.
Daenerys gets totally screwed over and might now be trapped in Qarth for the forseeable future. Theon hunts Bran and Rickon in the wake of their escape from Winterfell, Sansa prepares for marriage, and Jaime Lannister escapes for about 10 seconds before he’s recaptured.
The Prince of Winterfell
Cate does something really stupid and ends up under house arrest. Robb does something equally stupid that might put his marriage in jeopardy. Theon gets taken to task by his big sister, who doesn’t know the Stark boys are most certainly not dead, and Arya manages to escape from Harranhal
The war finally comes to King’s Landing
Sacrifices to the Red God
Lots and lots of people die this episode, and a few of them are even characters we care about!
Dany’s got herself a boat, some teenage dragons, and soon, possibly, a frighteningly badass army. Davos is alive and finds his way back to Stannis, only to get his ass thrown in prison, and Sansa’s still stuck in King’s Landing, where Margaery’s winning over the common folk through the magic of charm and free toys for orphans.
On the Road
Everyone’s on the move this week. Robb and co are on the way to Riverrun for his grandfather’s funeral; Arya and co are wandering about, lost, until they get themselves captured; and Jaime and Bree are still sniping at each other until they, too, get caught. Well done, everyone. Not getting caught, luckily, are Bran and Rickon, who make some possibly useful new friends.
The One with All the Rape
…Or, rather, the one with all the attempted rape. Theon escapes his captors, briefly, and then has to be rescued again. Robb and his mother see off her father down in Riverrun before he takes his uncle to task for being an idiot, and Jaime might want to start practicing his signature with his other hand.
Several of the ladies decide they’re done with taking crap from the men in their lives. Cersei tries to get more control, Bree drags Jaime out of his depression, Margaery and her family start playing both politics and Joffrey, and Daenerys gives possibly the most amazing F-you in this show’s history.
A Name that Gives you Pride
Jon Snow finally gets laid, Jaime lays himself bare to Bree, and Sansa gets screwed over yet again.
Jon Snow and co. grapple with the Wall, while down south other characters face the climb out of chaos
Nobody seems to be happy about where they are in life just now, except maybe Robb, who’s going to be a dad, and Dany, who’s ready to take on a city with 200,000 slaves. Arya flees the Brotherhood, Theon loses his most prized possession, and Jaime proves his worth
Here Comes the Bride
Sansa and Tyrion get married, and the wedding predictably sucks, but at least the outcome is a sort of uneasy peace for the two of them. Melisandre gets freaky with Gendry and Dany gets a sexy new ally
The Red Wedding
Very, very aptly named. Hope you weren’t too attached to most of the remaining Starks.
Word of Robb’s death has gotten out, to the glee of some and the grief of others. Arya takes her pain out on a Frey bannerman, while Melisandre reads in the flames that the real war is in the north. Dany adds to her giant band of followers, and Jaime finally arrives home.
Game of Thrones: Dany’s got her sights set on a new target and her hands full with her teen dragons and Daario, Jaime struggles to reacclimate to King’s Landing and rejoin the family that now has no time for him, and Arya gets some more revenge. And a horse.
Long Live the…Oh
Joffrey’s and Margaery’s wedding goes about as well as any other wedding on this show
So Much for Those Redemption Arcs
Jaime, the Hound, and Ygritte ruin most of the goodwill they’ve managed to build up so far
Jaime sends Bree and Podrick off to rescue Sansa and the Bran Band gets captured
Visions of Death
Petyr delivers Sansa to the Eyrie, where things predictably turn creepy very quickly; Arya adds another name to her killing list and gets schooled by the Hound yet again; and Jon liberates Craster’s Keep
The Trial of Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion’s trial begins and manages to be even worse than expected. Yara’s attempted rescue of Theon also doesn’t go according to plan, and Dany is reminded that the men she executed were people too
Where the Heart Is
Dany finds new uses for Daario, Arya toughens up, Tyrion gets a champion, and Petyr gets a divorce, Eyrie style
My Name is Oberyn Martell. You Killed My Sister. Prepare to Die.
Once again, we learn not to get too attached to any cool characters. Also, Sansa Stark steps up
The Watchers on the Wall
Mance’s enormous army (with giants and mammoths!) finally reaches Castle Black
Dany and Tywin completely lose control of their kids (with deadly consequences), and Arya grows up fast
The Wars to Come
We mostly catch up with where everyone is on the chessboard. Tyrion lands in Pentos and starts working on drinking himself to death, Dany’s struggling against the resistance in Meereen, Sansa hits the road with Petyr, and Jon tries unsuccessfully to save Mance’s life
The House of Black and White
Arya doesn’t get a warm welcome in Braavos, Dany’s losing control of Meereen, Bronn and Jaime go on a rescue mission, and Jon gets a new job
There’s a wedding that actually doesn’t end in bloodshed, Sansa continues to have horrible luck with psychotic fiances, and Tyrion gets kidnapped
Sons of the Harpy
Jaime and Bronn have a bloody arrival in Dorne; Cersei arms a band of religious nuts, because that sort of thing never backfires; and the Sons of the Harpy strike a serious blow against Dany
Kill the Boy
Dany introduces her dragons to Meereenese barbeque before finding a subtler way to win allies, Sansa is realising how truly horribly Ramsay actually is, Stannis sets out for Winterfell, and Jorah and Tyrion meet the Stone Men
Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken
The wedding we all hoped would never take place does, and it’s even more horrifying than we expected. Jorah and Tyrion and Jaime and Bronn all get captured, and Margaery is thrown in prison along with her brother
Tyrion finally meets Dany, Sam proves himself to Gillie, and Cersei gets her just deserts
Dany toys with the idea of killing Tyrion, Cersei is closer to being humbled, Sansa learns that her brothers are still alive, and Jon’s trip to Hardhome brings him face-to-face with the White Walker army
The Dance of Dragons
What a shock, it still sucks to be female in Westros. This week we get some pedophilia and a father burning his own child at the stake. Joy. Also, Dany gets to save her own ass from the Sons of the Harpy by riding Drogon to safety, but she just ditches all her friends in the meantime. Not cool, Dany.
Cersei has to humiliate herself in order to be freed, Stannis reaps what he sowed in the last episode, Reek and Sansa make their escape, and Jon is betrayed
The Red Woman
Jon’s still dead, Dany’s been captured, Sansa escapes, Arya gets bruised, Meereen burns, Dorne’s getting someone new in charge, and Cersei and Jaime are ready to get some revenge on the world now
Bran takes a trip through his family history, Ramsay does what Ramsay pretty much always does, Pyke prepares for a power struggle (and possibly a queen!), and Melisandre works some voodoo
Bran gets another glimpse into his father’s past, Arya is rewarded for being no one, Jon grapples with resurrection, and Dany and Cersei face trials
Book of the Stranger
Tyrion meets with the other slavers to work out a deal, Jon agrees to retake Winterfell, Dany works her ‘impervious to fire’ trick again, to great effect
Hodor’s a hero, guys
Blood of My Blood
Benjen Stark returns, just in the nick of time, Sam’s homecoming goes exactly as he expected, Arya fails to assassinate a decent woman, and Margaery and Tommen become the Sparrow’s latest recruits
The Broken Man
The Hound’s alive! And apparently is more interested in Bob Vila-ing his way around the countryside than in fighting, at least until his new friends are needlessly slaughtered. Elsewhere, Jon and Sansa struggle to recruit, Margaery’s playing a long con on the Sparrows, and Riverrun is under siege
Arya finally becomes both no one and someone, Cersei loses her best weapon, and Riverrun is betrayed
Battle of the Bastards
The title says it all, really
The Winds of Winter
Man, when Cersei gets revenge, she seriously GETS REVENGE