Jon and Davos arrive at Dragonstone and don’t precisely get a warm welcome. Dany wastes no time asserting her rank and going on at length about how she’s the last Targaryen. Everyone watching is just:
Not that Jon is likely to care about being a Targaryen, even if he knew he was. He’s come to Dragonstone to try and persuade Dany to put a pin in this ‘taking the iron throne’ plan in order to combine their resources and stop the massive zombie army heading south. Dany thinks that’s just a myth. The two of them spar a bit, she playing politics, he very much not, because he’s a northman and a plain speaker and, frankly, has neither the time nor the inclination for that. She seems to be getting the measure of him, and while she’s not ready to declare him an enemy (though she warns him that, by refusing to bend the knee and swear fealty to her, he’s a rebel), she’s not ready to be friends with him either. She confines him and Davos to the island, for now.
Jon, frustrated, stands broodingly on the shore, where Tyrion finds him. Tyrion tells Jon that he and Dany have more in common than they think: she, too, has a little bit of a savior complex. Also, he can’t really blame her for being more concerned with the flesh-and-blood enemy she knows exists than with the mythical army she’s never seen. He suggests Jon try notching down his ask just a little.
Jon takes that to heart and asks if he can, at least, mine the dragonglass at Dragonstone. Tyrion persuades Dany to accept, and she even gives Jon all the men and assistance he needs. But he’s still a prisoner. Baby steps.
Jorah is cured! Hurrah! Sam’s done his work well, and it’s super obvious to the maester what happened there. Jorah is released and hightails it towards Dany, while the maester dresses Sam down for disobedience, but also comments that the procedure is an incredibly difficult one, so kudos to him for managing it. Sam’s reward is not getting kicked out of the Citadel.
Up north, Sansa is proving to be a more than capable ruler. She’s also proving to be incredibly capable of managing Littlefinger, who nevertheless manages to impart some good advice. To wit: consider every possible scenario, all the time, in every tiny detail. That way, nothing ever surprises you, which puts you ahead of everyone else. It’s good advice. The guy’s a worm, but he knows this sort of business. He’d be a good Hand.
Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Bran. Bran is home! Sansa weeps with joy, as well she might, since she totally thought he was dead. He’s full-emo now, and proves to her that he knows everything that’s ever happened to anyone by describing, in detail, her wedding to Ramsay. Jesus, Bran, you couldn’t have chosen a good memory? That seemed unnecessarily cruel! He’s still learning to control his visions, and you can tell his slow progress frustrates him.
Southward we go, to King’s Landing, where Euron leads Yara and Ellaria in chains through the city, basking in the approval of the cheering crowds. At the Red Keep, he can’t help but gloat to Jaime, who smirks that those same crowds not so long ago jeered his sister, and will probably happily chop Euron’s head off next week. They’re fickle, The People. Euron gets back at Jaime by asking for Cersei sex tips. Ew.
Cersei is delighted to have Ellaria in her grasp, as this gives her the ideal opportunity to get revenge for Myrcella’s death. She has Ellaria and her daughter chained up in a dungeon, taunts Ellaria with memories of Oberyn’s death for a little while, and then poisons Ellaria’s daughter with the same stuff Ellaria dosed Myrcella with. She leaves Ellaria and the girl alone, gleefully telling Ellaria that she’ll get to watch her daughter die, and then rot. Daaaaamn, Cersei.
Because power is an aphrodisiac, she then goes right upstairs to bang her brother. He doesn’t seem all that into it. I believe the word ‘no’ was bandied about. But if we know anything about this relationship, it’s that ‘no’ doesn’t have a place in the vocabulary. She, uh, bends a knee, if you will, and Jaime stops protesting.
Afterwards, she gets up to have a meeting with a representative from the Iron Bank of Braavos. He’s a bit concerned that she has no way to pay off the crown’s massive debt. Seems even the Lannister coffers are pretty empty these days. Cersei invites him to stick around for a couple of weeks, promising he’ll have his payment by then.
And where is that money going to come from? Well…
Despite learning that Yara’s fleet was decimated (oh, Theon was plucked from the sea by one of her few remaining ships, by the way), Dany et al press forward with the attack on Casterley Rock. Tyrion knows that the place will be very well fortified, its huge garrison well armed and trained, but he has a trick up his sleeve. Apparently his father tasked him with building the castle’s sewer system, which seems like it would have been better left to an engineer, no? Anyway, while he was down there, Tyrion had a secret door installed so he could sneak in women. A ho-hatch, if you will.
Grey Worm and some of the other Unsullied use this to gain entry to the castle. They literally open the front door, and Casterley Rock is taken.
The bulk of the Lannister army wasn’t at Casterley Rock. Grey Worm quickly realises this, just as he sees Euron’s fleet sinking the Unsullied ships in the bay. The rest of the army marches on Highgarden, under the command of Jaime (oh, hey, Bronn! Long time no see! No lines this week? Shame…)
The Tyrells aren’t really warrior types, so Highgarden falls quickly. Jaime finds Olenna in a room in the tower and tells her it’s basically over. She knows. She wants to know how he plans to dispatch her. He kindly gives her a glass of wine that he’s poisoned, reassuring her it’ll be painless. She gulps down the wine, then goes, ‘Look, Kingslayer to Kingslayer, I totally poisoned Joffrey. Experimental stuff, so it was slightly messier than I was expecting, but you know how these things go. He was an asshole. Tell Cersei it was all my doing, will you?’
Daaaaamn. Not that it’s surprising, but Olenna mic drops hard.
So that’s where things stand. Dany has three dragons, a massive army, and Tyrion goddamn Lannister and she’s still losing. To Cersei. Cersei has proven again and again to be an idiot. And damn, but we’re losing our awesome, badass women left and right! It’s only the THIRD EPISODE! Not Lyanna! Please, guys? Just…not Lyanna, ok?