Previously on Game of Thrones: The Hound helped himself to a farmer’s silver, which totally pissed off Arya; Jaime sent Bree off with Podrick to save Sansa, who’s on her way to the Eyrie with Petyr; Jon got ready to mount an attack on Craster’s Keep, where the Bran Band happens to be held hostage; and the Tyrell ladies started manoeuvring to get Margaery together with Tommen.
Tommen is crowned king, the first of his name. At the afterparty, Cersei notices him smiling at Margaery, who’s off to the side, and goes to have a chat with her once and future daughter-in-law. Margaery’s face says she’s ready to do battle, but Cersei’s pretty much comes in peace and admits that Joffrey was a nightmare, while Tommen may actually make a decent king and husband for Margaery. Margaery’s smart enough not to leap at the opportunity, only agreeing to speak with her father about it. Cersei agrees to do the same.
In Meereen, Jorah gives Dany the news that Joffrey’s dead. She’s surprised, but barely has time to absorb the news before Barristan informs her that he and Daario took the initiative and captured the local navy. Apparently it was more Daario’s idea, which annoys her, but since it’s done, she asks if she now has enough to take King’s Landing. Possibly, thanks to Blackwater. Jorah says they might be able to take King’s Landing, but not all of Westros. Barristan thinks others will join their side, but even if they do, it’s doubtful she’ll hold power long, since apparently the cities she already has under her control aren’t doing so well. Dany decides to stay put and learn how to rule where she is. Hey, where are her dragons? Are they off at boarding school or something? They haven’t even come up, but you’d think they’d be some strategic significance, since they’re only too eager to do her bidding when that bidding is: ‘burn some shit up.’
Petyr and Sansa approach the Eyrie through the only available entrance: a bottleneck which makes this one of the most secure places in the world. Petyr identifies himself to the guards, but tells them that Sansa is his niece, because it’s not safe for anyone to know where she is.
Inside, Robin is hanging out with his mother, and thankfully not feeding off of her. He happily greets Petyr as ‘Uncle Petyr’ and accepts a gift from him: a glass bird. Sansa smilingly greets the aunt she’s never met, and she’s welcomed warmly enough. Lysa warns her not to call her aunt and give away her true identity, and then Robin breaks in to tactlessly ask about her dead mother and brother. He also shows her the moon door and tosses his glass bird into it. Lysa brings up Sansa’s marriage and asks if Tyrion forced himself on her. Sansa replies that he did not, which pleases Lysa. The children are sent away so Lysa can start making out with Petyr and suggest they get married immediately. She’s tired of waiting and reminds him that they had sex ages ago, so what’s the holdup? She also reminds him of all the things she’s done for him, including poisoning her husband and telling everyone the Lannisters were behind it. Woah, ok. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised at that, in this world. Petyr agrees to the marriage, mostly to keep her quiet, and she announces that she’s going to make lots of noise when they have sex.
And scream she does, her cries echoing all the way to Sansa’s room, where the poor girl’s just trying to get a bit of sleep.
True to her word, Cersei proposes the Tommen/Margaery matchup to her dad, who seems fine with it. They decide to hold the wedding in a fortnight, to give Margaery time to mourn her husband. Personally, I think two weeks is two weeks too long to mourn Joffrey, but I guess one has to keep up appearances. She agrees to marry Loras another two weeks after that. Tywin admits he knows she doesn’t like the Tyrrells, but they need their money, because the treasury’s pretty empty and heavily indebted to the Iron Bank of Braavos. She understands that this is for the good of the family and turns the conversation toward Tyrion’s upcoming trial, which her father can’t discuss, being a judge and all. She accepts that, but basically tells him to make sure Tyrion gets punished severely for what he did.
Before bedtime, Arya recites her list of people to kill, which is getting really long, as the Hound notes. The last name is his, which surprises him. She really hated him taking that man’s silver, didn’t she? Which is fair, I guess. She’s pretty sensitive about people breaking the host/guest pact.
Lysa plies Sansa with cakes and tells her that Catelyn had a sweet tooth and almost got fat as a girl, but eventually she adopted more northern austerity. They talk a little bit about Petyr, a subject that quickly turns things creepy when Lysa aggressively asks Sansa why Petyr’s so devoted to her. Clutching Sansa’s hands, she asks if Sansa’s pregnant, accusing her of sleeping with Petyr on the trip to the Eyrie. Sansa tearfully insists that she’s a virgin and Petyr loves Lysa. Lysa accepts that and backs down, embracing the girl and reassuring her that everything will be fine soon. They’ll execute Tyrion, and Sansa will be a widow who’s free to marry Robin. I know I’ve said it before, but god, this poor girl can’t catch a break, can she?
Bree and Podrick are on the road together, but Pod’s not exactly helping, since he can’t even ride a horse. Really? What young man being sent to serve at a royal court wouldn’t at least know how to ride a horse? It’s not that hard. Bree tries to discourage him from accompanying her on her trip to the Wall, where she thinks Sansa’s headed, but he won’t be deterred.
The Hound wakes to find Arya missing, but she hasn’t gone far, she’s just found a spot to practice her water dance with Needle. He mocks her, the dance, and her instructor, Syrio. When he hears of how Syrio died at the hands of Meryn Trant, he laughs and dares her to try to kill him. She stabs him, but Needle just bounces right off his armour. The Hound backhands her to the ground and tells her that Siro’s dead because he went up against a man with armour and a giant sword, armed with nothing, essentially.
Cersei finds Oberyn writing poetry in the gardens and invites him for a walk. They talk about his eight daughters and how they’ve both failed to save people they loved. She mentions little Myrcella, who was sent to Dorn, remember. Oberyn reassures her that she’s happy and well. Cersei asks if he can send a birthday gift on her behalf: a ship of Myrcella’s very own. He promises to do so.
Podrick’s as good at cooking as he is at horseback riding, apparently, and Bree’s looking about fed up. When he tries to help her out of her armour, she tells him to get lost and asks what he actually did for Tyrion. Seems he was essentially a butler/valet. She asks if he’s ever even been in combat and he tells her that he killed the Kingsguard who was trying to kill Tyrion at Blackwater. She’s suitably impressed and lets him help her with her armour after all.
Oh, great, back at Craster’s. Locke spies from behind a tree and, when the coast is clear, steals into the camp and discovers the Bran Band tied up in one of the buildings. I totally forgot until this week that Locke is the spy Bolton sent to Castle Black. Sorry about that, but that’s what happens when you’ve got about 200 characters to keep track of. Lock makes himself scarce before Bran or anyone else notices him.
Meera’s worried about Jojen, who doesn’t sound so great, but Jojen’s more concerned about Bran not completing his mission. He has some sort of vision of the weirwood tree Bran keeps seeing and tells Bran that it’s waiting for him and he has to find it. He also has a (presumed) vision of his hand on fire.
Locke tells Jon and the others that the men in the Keep are mostly drunk and probably won’t be too hard to overcome. One of them’s worried about Karl, as he’s a famous knife wielder, but Locke thinks he can handle it. He warns the men to avoid the hut where the Bran Band’s being held, lying that they’re keeping dogs in there which will presumably give the attackers away if they’re disturbed.
Karl’s decided the time has come to rape Meera, which doesn’t shock me. I’m frankly surprised this nutter waited. She’s strung up while Hodor starts to panic and Bran begs them to leave her alone. Jojen steps in and offers to help Karl if he lets her go. He explains that he has the Sight and can see the future. Karl asks if he’s seen what he and his men are going to do to Meera and whispers for Jojen to keep his eyes open. Jojen happily says that he saw Karl die that night, and his body burn. And right at that moment, there’s a ruckus outside as Jon and his men attack. Um, why were they worried about dogs giving them away if they were going to attack in the noisiest, most obvious way possible? Coming in swords swinging and making all sorts of noise seems like a poor way to go about this. I think Jon needs some work on strategy before he goes taking command of Castle Black.
Or maybe not, because this actually works. Locke fights his way to the hut where the Bran Band is being held and starts to untie Bran. It quickly becomes clear that he’s going to kidnap Bran and just leave the others. Bran wargs into Hodor, who pulls himself loose, catches up with Locke in the woods, and breaks his neck with his bare hands. Bran returns to his own body as a bewildered Hodor looks at the dead body and the blood on his hands. Bran tells him to free Meera and Jojen and Hodor goes to do so. Bran sees Jon in the midst of the fighting and tries to get his attention, but Jojen comes running over and tells Bran that Jon will take him back with him, and then Bran will never find the three-eyed raven. Bran agrees to get back on the road, as soon as they free Summer.
Jon finds Karl in the main hut and Karl gets briefly fancy with a pair of knives, in a moment that sort of reminds me of this:
They fight, and Karl’s good enough that it looks like it’s going to go badly for Jon, who doesn’t fight dirty enough, but then one of the girls buries a knife in Karl’s back. He turns and advances on her, but Jon stabs him through the back of the head, his sword gorily coming out of Karl’s mouth. In the words of my husband, that’s an image that’s going to linger. And thanks a lot, HBO, like I’m not having enough trouble sleeping these days!
The rebels are all dead now, and one of Jon’s men brings Locke’s body into the camp, wondering who could have snapped his neck like that. They count the mutineers and realise Rast is missing.
He’s fleeing through the woods, but is taken down by Ghost. Heh. I thought his douchiness last week might come back to haunt him.
Ghost makes his way back to the camp, where Jon happily greets him. Aww. One of the other men asks what they should do with all the women. Jon offers to take them back to Castle Black, where they’ll be safe. One of the women points out that every man they’ve ever met has treated them like shit, so they’ll look after themselves, thanks. After they burn the Keep to the ground. So, there’s Jojen’s vision seen through.