I now work with a crew of awesome book nerds and Game of Thrones lovers. So prevalent is this series in our office, for a couple of months we had a GOT Spoiler Avoidance Board up in the kitchen so we could track where everyone was in the books and TV series and avoid any awkward ruining of future plot points. Once that came down, the fans needed something else. This was the result.
Like I said, my co-workers are awesome.
Also, I definitely plan to hire more bastards in future.
The Game of Thrones Guide to Successful Management
WARNING: The below text may contain spoilers
1. Getting ahead
- Fast-talking can compensate for what you may lack in height.
- Gratuitous violence will secure a middle-management position; calculated violence will take you all the way to CEO.
- If you need to push someone off a cliff, make sure no one’s looking.
- If you are going to sleep your way to the top, be discreet.
- In a hostile takeover remember to tie up all loose ends. There are few things more dangerous than an errant board member with a grudge. It is advisable to destroy all employees, including cleaning staff and company goldfish.
- The following people will definitely sell you out at some point: mercenary armies, oath-sworn vassals, old friends, and of course, your own family. Anticipate this, and forward-plan your subsequent revenge accordingly.
- Keep an eye on current trends. The Red God is hot at the moment. You should think about getting on board with that.
- Ditch your honour. It’s the fast-track to an untimely death.
- You can be either the Dothraki or the Lamb People. Not both.
- Never share your game plan.
- Learn to see downsizing your family as a business opportunity.
- If all else fails, get some dragons.
- Remain true to your brand. If your logo is a flayed man flaying should be common practice among senior management.
- Your tagline should also reflect your company values i.e. ‘Winter is Coming’ is probably not the best line for a florist … whereas a Ski shop would be quids in!
3. Your employees
- Remember, your workforce is everything. You can build an impenetrable wall to keep the Darkness out, but if you don’t staff it with the right people, it’s just a useless lump of rock and ice.
- The undead make a time- and cost-effective workforce, but they are often shambolic and slow-witted in nature. Consider using eunuchs instead. They are loyal, tireless, merciless and also in good supply.
- Be prepared to employ multiple people for one role. You will probably require spares.
- Nepotism is the key to a slick and loyal workforce – just don’t arm any of them with crossbows.
- Your Finance Director must be capable. Trustworthy is optional.
- If you need to fire someone, do it yourself. Ensure you finish the job properly – remove their security pass and access codes to prevent their return.
- When the going really gets tough, employ bastards.
4. Office pets
- Pets (particularly of the lupine variety) provide a welcome distraction in the office and can help with minor disciplinary issues.
- Dragons are not pets.
5. Company policy
- Workplace relationships are rarely a good idea.
- To prevent any improper mixing of different social groups, all bastards within your organisation should make themselves known with derivative surnames. E.g.
- Edinburgh – Reekie
- Hull – Submarine
- New York – Skyscraper
- To help clarify roles and responsibilities all surnames should be based on occupation and place of birth. E.g. Michael Vandriver of New York.
- Induction policy states that drowning is mandatory before starting in your new role.
6. And finally
- Always pay your debts.
The Game of Thrones senior management induction course! Includes a complimentary copy of Dragons: the Fast-Track Route to Senior Management (standard RRP £6.99). Early Bird booking rate applies for those reserving a place before Winter comes*
*please note no refund is offered if you do not survive the induction