Christmas! A time of goodwill, gift-giving, copious buying, and baking. I especially love that last bit, and I’ve been known to wander through Lakeland (as close to Williams Sonoma as I’ve found over here), admiring cake pans and trying very hard to talk myself out of more foolish purchases. But every now and then, Lakeland offers up something so utterly stupid, even I can’t help but laugh and mock them. And because it’s Christmastime, they’ve got LOADS of bizarre things on offer. Behold: the craziest Christmas nonsense at Lakeland. Let’s have a look and a laugh, shall we?
What the heck is the point of having a biscuit jar you can only use one month out of the year without looking crazy?
You realise you just spent £15 to look like you stuffed your head up a dead bird’s ass, right? Oh, wait, it says ‘gobble gobble’ too? Well, you’ll definitely be a hit with the ladies at every holiday party you go to!
Oh, God, don’t do this to yourself. Seriously, tempering chocolate is a pain in the ass and will make you loathe everything that has brought you to this point. Chocolate coins cost about £1 for 50. Buy the damn things.
Wait, doesn’t the tree already have a scent?
Get real, people. I live in Scotland. They would laugh you right out of the country if you puta fake cartoon stag’s head on the wall. Here, we shoot ‘em ourselves, and we only put it up if it’s a 14-pointer at least. Take your teddy bear deer and go back to London.
Yum! Just what some perfectly good booze needs: an infusion
of tree! It’s not nearly enough that you’ve got an actual tree decorated with scented decorations because it’s CHRISTMAS, dammit, and everyone better remember that! No! You need to taste the tree! TASTE IT!
Ha ha, hilarious! Now enjoy wiping your face on a holly-bedecked crotch.
I have so many questions about this. Where’s the rest of the elf? Why just the shirt? Why are you serving me a cake topped with elven laundry?
Storing this thing would be a giant pain in the ass and clearly negates the effort saved by not having to stamp out those biscuits one at a time. And really, how many Christmas tree biscuits are you cutting out anyway?
Nothing says ‘enjoy our warm hospitality’ like handing people a dessert that requires work. Can you not infuse the cake with alcohol before you serve it? Is it so vital that the alcohol shot be put in at the last possible second? Does your cupcake come with instructions, or are you just going to have guests saying, ‘excuse me, but I think someone forgot to get rid of the awkward and ugly plastic syringe used to give my cake some boozy botox.’ This is not cute. Don’t do it.
So pretty! Unless you’re the one who has to clean it up…
This is that thing your one crazy aunt brings over and starts throwing all over the place because it’s FESTIVE and you really haven’t dressed the table enough and OMG, have you heard there are Christmas tree-flavoured cocktails? Why don’t you have Christmas tree flavoured cocktails? You can do that now! Trust me: you’ll be plucking teeny tiny holly leaves out of your carpet until Easter (when she’ll probably show up with little Easter egg scatters! Have fun!)
Fun for the whole family! Granny and granddad can relive those key parties they used to love! Mum and dad can remember what it was like to be in middle school and to need an excuse to grind against a member of the opposite sex! The kids can wonder why everyone’s blushing and refusing to meet each others’ eyes!
For £40, shouldn’t it be made of…real linen? Seriously, you can get that for less than £16/metre. ‘Linen look’ fabrics go for about £5 a metre. You’re getting seriously ripped off on this one.
You will use this exactly once, and then curse it forever for being clutter.
Oh, FFS. First off: what the hell is the point of these things? Has anyone ever said, ‘you know what this cup of cocoa is really missing? A house awkwardly perched on its rim, ready to smack me right in the face the second I try to take a sip.’ The answer to that is: no. And yet, we have an explosion of these ridiculous mug rider things on both sides of the Atlantic. In the US, they come pre-made (lazy Americans!) but here in Britain, we BAKE, DAMMIT! We use those kitchens because Mary Berry said to! But let me just flag up something here: these things will be an enormous pain in the ass to make and decorate. And they will look terrible and you’ll be frustrated at a time of year when most of our nerves are already shredded. This sort of thing is the epitome of Pintrest Living: it looks all cute in the picture, but in practice, it’s a nightmare for everyone involved. Spare your friends and family the necessity of faking a smile and oohs and aahs of appreciation for something they totally never wanted but they have to say something because you spent nine hours trying to get these just right and just serve some biscuits on a plate like everyone else does.