The Borgias: On Show

627Previously on The Borgias: Lucrezia got married and promptly slept with her brother, because why not? (No, seriously, that was her actual reason). One of the disgraced Cardinals set fire to the treasury before hitting the road, and Caterina Sforza started gathering an army of discontents.

Giulia’s brother, Alessandro Farnese, gets his Cardinal’s hat, as per Alexander’s deal with Giulia. He’s a young pup, so young one of the other cardinals has no idea who he is.

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The Borgias: The Most Dangerous Game

borgias33-3Previously on The Borgias: At Alexander’s behest, Cesare and Cardinal Sforza started purging the Vatican. One of the disgraced cardinals decided to take things into his own hands and attacked Alexander while confessing, only to get his own knife in his throat.

A little disconcertingly, we don’t pick up with the fallout from Alexander being found covered with the blood of a cardinal—we start off with him enthroned, back to stripping disgraced churchmen of their offices and titles. One of them asks how much longer this is going to go on, and accuses him of doing this for personal gain (all the property being taken back goes directly to the church). Afterwards, Cesare warns his father that he’s running out of cardinals. Alexander doesn’t care, as long as the place is cleansed of enemies and he can use the money to do God’s work. I hope that means Giulia’s, Lucrezia’s, and Vannozza’s charitable endeavour from last season gets more funding. It’d be a way to keep Giulia around, at least.

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The Borgias: Spring Cleaning

Episode 302Previously on The Borgias: Lucrezia’s quick thinking saved her father’s life, but it was up to Cesare and Micheletto to save the Borgia family from Caterina Sforza’s assassination plot. She tried to enlist the help of Cardinal Sforza, but at the last minute he threw in his lot with Rome and told Cesare they have a serious new enemy: Caterina’s henchman Ruffio, who’s being sent out to round up disgruntled nobles and rally them to the anti-Borgia cause.

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The Borgias: Micheletto in the Bedchamber with the Candlestick

754_3_3373728_01_444x250Previously on The Borgias: Well, let’s see. Juan got so out of control that even Lucrezia wanted him dead, but it was Cesare who finally succeeded in offing him, mostly to save his own family. Caterina Sforza refused to knuckle under, and has sworn to bring down the Borgias. Micheletto’s gay, and just as badass as ever; Lucrezia chose a new fiancé; and last but not least, Della Rovere hatched a plot to poison Alexander that may have succeeded.

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2012 Golden Armchair Awards

Happy New Year! As we usher in 2013 and anticipate the new and returning shows to come, let’s cast an eye back to the best and worst 2012 had to offer. Christmas proposals, sad farewells, ludicrous storylines, a battle royale, cartoonish villains, and unexpected surprises–the year had a lot to offer. Relive it all with the results of the 2012 Golden Armchair Awards! Go to … Continue reading 2012 Golden Armchair Awards

The Borgias: Sad Goodbyes

Previously on The Borgias: Juan became too much of a screwup to live, so Cesare did everyone a favor and gutted him and threw him into the Tiber.

Deep in the bowels of the Castel Sant’Angelo, Savonarola’s being racked and screaming his head off. The torturers pause just long enough for Micheletto to urge him to sign a confession of heresy, and Savonarola agrees, so they let him sit up and hand him a pen. Instead, he spills the ink all over the document. Micheletto orders the torture to recommence. You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?

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The Borgias: The Trouble with Juan

Previously on The Borgias: Juan continued to be a screwup, lying about how the siege of Forli went and becoming a junkie. Lucrezia, on the advice of her mother, decided to go ahead and agree to marry Genoa the Elder while sleeping with his younger brother. Cesare made some trips to Florence, where Savonarola continues to be a pest, and Della Rovere’s protégé got started on his mission by getting rid of the competition.

Lucrezia wakes and seems surprised to find herself in bed alone. She’s also surprised to see the caged panther at the foot of her bed.

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The Borgias: The Whole Story

Previously on The Borgias: Juan was sent to Forli to take the castle and, predictably, he screwed up just as badly as it was possible for him to screw up. Lucrezia’s back on the marriage market, but ends up getting a crush on her suitor’s brother instead of the suitor. Della Rovere started training a young assassin.

Cardinal Sforza and one of the other cardinals head into the pope’s chambers, all smiles, to announce that Charles of France is dead, which they think is awesome. Alexander, however, recognizes that Charles was a worthy adversary who deserves to be honored. He makes them both say three dozen rosaries as penance.

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The Borgias: Vanities

Previously on The Borgias: Della Rovere got a dangerous protégé. Cesare got played by Catarina Sforza, but at least he managed to kill Lucrezia’s hateful ex-husband. Speaking of Lucrezia, she’s on the marriage market again, and she’s not at all happy about it.

Juan’s back and actually riding his horse through the halls of the Vatican, as if his douchebag status wasn’t sufficiently on show on a daily basis anyway. He’s presented to his father with a round of applause, like he’s done anything worthwhile lately, and presents a couple of gifts: a box for Alexander and a panther in a cage for Lucrezia. She approaches the cage curiously, but when it roars at her she wisely hands the baby off to her maid. Juan’s also brought a genuine conquistador—Don Hernando. Alexander opens his box and finds…turds. Juan explains that they’re actually cigars, an exotic new treat. While they’re discussing impending throat cancer, the panther roars again and Lucrezia cries that it bit her. Well, yeah, Lucrezia, it’s a wild animal. There’s a reason it’s in a cage. I thought she was smarter than that.

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The Borgias: Plots and Plans

Previously on The Borgias: Micheletto actually got a little background, Catarina Sforza gave the pope a big ol’ middle finger, and Della Rovere got a thumbs up from Savonarola for his assassination plot.

It’s Ash Wednesday, and Alexander is ashing up a whole line of people in front of St. Peter’s, reminding them that they’ll return to dust one day. Such a cheery day, Ash Wednesday. A very poor old woman approaches the pope, who kneels before her and washes her feet as a sign of humility. Della Rovere and Partner (does this guy actually have a name?) watch the show and dismiss it all as just more theater, not extra humility on Alexander’s part. DR points out the pope’s official taster, who’s holding the water jug.

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